when i first saw these canvas cotton boots by jo no fui, they had so much flare on, i almost tried to order a bloomin’ onion and a weak cocktail from them.

hold your breath because i’m about to tell you how much they cost.

$1,925.  let me spell it out.  nineteen hundred twenty five dollars.  for slutty suburban fare juicy couture boots.  rarely does the version that costs two grand look like a knockoff of something you can get at nordstroms or by coming home before curfew for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT.

so how about you jo no fui-ck off.  because children are starving.  and if you wanna charge that much for shit it better be art.  or be able to bring me a drink.

before i blog about this spring 2010 balmain sandal please excuse me as i grab an acid wash levi’s jacket with faux sheepskin collar.  *puts on imaginary whack-jack*  ah, that’s better.

this is just a repackaged teva isn’t it balmain?  whatever it is, it makes me want to rent Sister Act and listen to Nirvana on cassette.  so 1992.  that also happens to be the year i was forcibly baptized into the mormon religion against my little eight year old will.  so you can imagine i’m not too fond of anything that comes out of 1992 due to this.  in fact i just found a mousehole in my house the other day.  i think i’ll write 1992 around the outside of it and any time anything comes out of it i’ll just stomp the shit out of it.  i’ll kill it dead.

yeah this might be okay if it was firmly fastened to the end of a hobo’s stick.  and that hobo was on a refrigerated boxcar on a train headed north.

since the real roger vivier passed away in 1998, allow me to remind his successor bruno frisoni at the house of roger vivier, that design when applied to clothing, is generally thought of as the fusion of aesthetics and function.  this is a shoe.  what are shoes for?

1.  walking

2.  keeping the soles of our feet covered so that they remain soft

3.  allowing us to laugh at feral animals with thick unsightly footpads and say, “nice footpad asshole.  hey how about i rip your hide off your ass and use it as shuz?”

and everyone knows that.  it’s not up for debate.  so what are your shuz for frisoni?  what is their function?  tripping?  looking tarded?  ROGER VIVIER INVENTED THE STILETTO YOU ASSHOLE.  AND HERE YOU ARE MAKING BLEACHED SUEDE TOUCH THE FILTHY GROUND.  NEWTON’S FOURTH LAW.  SUEDE AND GROUND CANNOT COME IN CONSTANT CONTACT MOVING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS WITHOUT MANGLING SUEDE.  cc-v(Su+Gr) + (a)^2=MANGLED SUEDE.  WATCH IT FRISONI.

(blog dedicated to kayla blaspheme espy bee)

large investment purchases like these giuseppe zanotti sandals for spring 2010 have some would-be criminals subscribing to the “buy now, kill later” philosophy.  not such a safe bet considering the current economic climate and the shortage of “jobs” available…  but that’s not stopping some of the more overzealous dregs of society from stepping up their look.

as if women don’t talk enough.

now their very shoes need to become fragments of words and sentences thrown together in a jumble that holds as much value and meaning as their seemingly incessant chitter chatter.  IE NONE.  plus what’s up with the super groovy font?  is this my 8th grade binder?  am i right fellas?  come on am i right or am i right?

if this shoe were a man it would be a gay man that hosts a pornographic series entitled, “what is that?” in which straight guys are tricked into having homosexual sex.  his catchphrase would be, “what’d you think it was?”

(shoe submission by _gfunk)

he would most certainly wear these because each victim would feel the kiss of death as he roundhouse kicked the life out of them.

these shoes are made of a meltdown of blue, white, and green strips of leather, laser-compressed into a striated amalgam that looks, as balenciaga designer nicolas ghesquière joked, “like play-doh.”  the shoes appear in the 2010 spring/summer line, though i haven’t seen them actually available for sale anywhere yet.  wonder why.  my number one guess is because children don’t have mastercards.  my number two guess is because not everybody can sell the shit they create when they’re totally high.  some are lucky.  or maybe ghesquière got hungry one night in the studio.  it was just him, these shoes and a play doh spaghetti factory.  you do the math.

the above video states that it used to be a fashion faux pas to wear socks with sandals but that now it’s a bold statement.  hmmm.  i’m not sure what bold statement these are making but i’m pretty sure it involves something about someone getting paid $20/hour just to make sure you don’t eat a crayon or shit your pants on a daily basis.

right now i’m imagining what the buyer for tj maxx is going to say in a future conversation with the sanuk liquidator.  “yes sir i understand that is a fabulous deal but we just can’t take an order that large.  uh huh.  uh huh.  yes i understand they retailed fairly well in japan, but i can’t take more than i’m already taking.”

you know your products a piece of shit when it’s “retailing fairly well in japan.”

(shoe submission by laura gonzales)