it has recently come to my attention, that there is rumor floating around my family.  a rumor of the most untrue sort!  the rumor being that i bought my father *coughs, looks downward* i don’t know how to say this but, well, they’re saying i bought my father crocs.  and i don’t know who started it and i’m not going to point any fingers.  *points a finger* but the kind of person it would take *starts to cry* you know what?  forget it i’m not doing this.  i love my father.  even if he isn’t well.

and i hope you’re all very happy you now know about my sordid past.  yes, crystal bee’s father wears crocs!  it’s true!  go ahead and revel in it!  did i buy them for him?  NO.  does he wear them?  DAILY.  do you think i’m happy about it?  in fact, do you rumor spreaders have any idea HOW MANY TIMES i’ve called my mother trying to get those crocs away from him?  to get him into a print of sweatpant that is not camouflage?  *voice turns cold*  and the answer always returns the same. “well crystal gosh i don’t know.”  *shakes head*

merry christmas.  NOT.

as if the toes weren’t enough of a clue.  they had to place a few small candycorns at the ankle just to make sure we’re picking up what they’re layin’ down.  “oooooh the shoes look like candycorns.  i knew it was something.  but wait.  [pause]  i see it now.  it’s totally candycorn.  i would’ve figured it out.”

it’s pretty difficult to sell suede shoes in portland because the inhabitants think they can only wear them three months out of the year.  i can only imagine a salesperson trying to hock these.  “these’ll be great next weekend.”  “you could probly still wear ‘em like a couple-a days after halloween.  i would.  i do, actually.”  “imagine the look on their faces every late october.”