“well hello there fine fellows and good day to you.  yes, i was wondering if the use of this fine basketball court (taps court with cane) might be free for me and my colleagues to use this afternoon.  you see we were developing quite the case of cabin feevah and were wondering if we might use this facility to alleviate some of it.  with a little sport you see.  all in good fun.  what do you say?”

feel free to write your own ending here.

and so bridges the gap between me making fun of not just shoes, but all clothing and perhaps one day, the world.  this zip up hoodie has the markings of a leopard, the shrunken monkey paws of a witch doctor, and the dignity of a lawyer chasing an ambulance.  i want it.  i want it for the neverending jokes that could come from it.

1.  pleading with random passerbys, “please, before he eats the rest of me.”

2.  “now i know how jonah feels.”  then when people argue that jonah was swallowed by a whale, begin to explain to them that they are both mammals, then wave them off and walk away saying, “you wouldn’t understand.”

3.  “foot race anyone?  didn’t think so.”

4.  “my eyes are up here.”

5.  “god it feels like there’s something stuck in my throat.”  then cough with shrunken monkey paw to stuffed snout.

6.  “moo.”

7.  a one hour, one leopard show delivered in the style of a 1990s comedian.  “it’s tough being a leopard, you know?”

8.  eating in public voraciously and loudly.

9.  talking in two voices.  tough leopard voice and scared whispering human voice.

10.  mouth birth.

11.  “please stop looking at my tiny hands.  and could you please bring that drink to my lips?”

12.  just standing next to trees with a blank face, arms limply to sides.

adidas once again flies too close to the sun bringing in guest designer jeremy scott, who apparently thinks this is an acceptable finished product.  looks like wax and feathers to me.  so whoever this jeremy scott is should probably rename himself daedalus, father of icarus.  because this is a crash and burn if i’ve ever seen one.  or rather a slow motion melt then fall.  p.s. leather wings don’t fly.

(shoe submission by paul burkhart)