snarky los angeles blogger clowns world. mostly shoes.

by collecting itchy old tags cut out from cashmere sweaters and then rubber cementing them onto their shitty workboots, a few hobos in the portland area have gotten their own taste of luxury.

“you know, just because i’m homeless doesn’t mean i don’t like nice things.  i care what i look like,” says deadbeat dan of the chinatown area.  “my entire house is made of all clad and calphalon boxes.  bet you wouldn’t have guessed that.  might have pegged me for an egg crate or a fly by night under the awning type guy.  nope.  i care about the products that were once in the boxes that i live in.  i have pride.  and yeah, as far as the boots go, i guess i do enjoy that little look of jealousy or maybe hunger when i walk by another tent town.”

local larry the tramp says that the trend doesn’t surprise him explaining, “you’re talking about a group of people who get maximum exposure.  i mean these people are constantly in the public eye.  the fact that they want to look good is less than shocking.”

panhandlin’ paul from the industrial district has been receiving rave reviews below and above the bridges for some of his boot designs.  in fact, his own line called “no vagranchic” is currently in the works.  “every tag i use is from a 100% cashmere sweater, no acrylic blends.  i just want to make a line exclusively for us paupers and mendicants.  and believe me, it’s not going to be easy to accomplish something new with such a strong gutter punk influence in portland.  they’ve done so much.  but unlike most, i do find a strong difference between our style and theirs.”  zip tie suspenders and clothing accented with broken compact disc shards are rumored to headline no vagranchic’s first season.  prices are expected to range between two cigarettes and a blowjob.

since birth i haven’t been able to tell the difference between the color yellow, black, a camo print or a slayer t-shirt.  therefore i think that these things go together.  i.  i wear them.  at the same time.  people think i’m wearing this shit on purpose but i’m not.  it’s a condition called socalitis and it’s no laughing matter.  i mean, do you think i want to look like a fucking photo of myself from twenty years ago but with wrinkles drawn on it with a not thin but thick sharpie marker?

ah the age old question.  if i had a nickel for everytime [skip rest of joke] one nickel.  so get your shit straight zac posen.  also those better be tights on that model or someone needs to get her some blood.  stat.  unless maybe she doesn’t have enough blood down to get a lot more blood from the blood bank.  unless it’s a terrarium.  then i suppose.  well.  it’s glittery for sure anyways.

balenciaga, who has slowly been profiting from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder since 1937, now openly refuses to acknowledge the validity of the disease.  they are claiming their designers are cognizant adults able to make their own decisions in a reasonable amount of time, even if those decisions take months and include combining snowboard parts and more colors than are in a stoplight.

“you see what you call ADHD, is like a fine wine to us,” states Nicolas Ghesquiere, head of design at balenciaga.  “we don’t mind that it takes a little longer to put together the most nonsensical shoes of all time.  one shoe start to finish could take months, sometimes years due to the severe level of creativity or as you call it, ADHD, that our designers harbor within them.  but we think the absolute insanity of the final product is totally worth it.  and i think our label reflects that.  you won’t find one piece in any of our collections that has a lick of thought to it.  that’s a balenciaga guarantee.”

if mrs. claus wore these shoes by roger vivier a little more often, i bet santa would buy her a lot of toys for christmas this year.  or maybe trey from sex and the city would ask her out.  or elmer fudd.  or hell i probly would.  she’s hot.