snarky los angeles blogger clowns world. mostly shoes.

tommy the green power ranger.  duh.

this is a washboard tie.  the thimbles actually come with it.  who allowed this to happen?  *cocks eyebrow in the general direction of urban outfitters*

i’m already throwing this guy out of my party.  i’m already doing it.  i am there, throwing him out in my mind.  i am gripping his shirt at the back of his neck and stomping furiously towards the back gate.  as i am doing so, he is shouting out cheesy pick-up lines to cute girls at my party as they roll their eyes at him.  and yes.  as he stands outside the gate you can still hear a few final slow and desperate clinks on the washboard tie.  eventually the noise stops, like popcorn in the microwave, and he drags his vans-ed feet away from my dwelling place to the next house with christmas lights on.  and so continues the lifespan of the nomadic party orphan.  let into the party because of decent pants and eventually thrown out of the party for making everyone play ‘name that tune’ while transparently trying to be a rock star.  or playing a washboard tie while telling redneck jokes.  try pbs.  not my face.

air jordans create a high heeled sexy version of the sneaker for women who like to look good on all types of asphalt.  in short, they are made for ridiculous women with ridiculous, little or no style.  look at them.  this has to be at least 10 times worse than when michael jordan took an ill fated stab at baseball.  oh wait, he’s trying to design women’s shoes.  this is at least 100 times worse.  i’ll tell you what i’d like to do to these shoes.  pull a jordan.  fake retire from my blog, then take a baseball bat and my poor ability to swing it and demolish these shoes.

(photo submission by marc brodehl)

jeremy scott strikes again.  sporting the cartoon face of mickey mouse and having the ability to dispense candy, the shoe has gained popularity mostly with pedophiles and NAMBLA members.  an interesting sidenote, once these shoes are put on, the wearer suddenly finds themselves ready and able to operate a steam engine.  oswald the lucky rabbit shoes are still looking for a sponsor.  if anyone’s interested.  no?

alright little missy elliott.  so.  cowboy stitchwork.  reptile print.  pink sole.  sneaker.  boot.  ankle strap.  stripes.  laces.  contrast stitch.  bedazzled logo.  whatever all these things do together as a whole better cure cancer because there is no other fucking excuse.  i’m having a really hard time deciding how and when i will kill the bitch i see wearing these.  i’ve narrowed it down to “thorough torture and on-the-spot” or “sniper rifle and next time they’re on the can“.  so consider yourself informed slash warned about donning this deca-curious shoe.  i will hunt you down using dogs trained to smell cheap glue and hoes.  and they get a big treat when they find what they’re looking for.  a big treat.  eyes light up when they see a hoe.  pupils turn into little fucking looney toons steaks.  so don’t think they won’t find you.

(photo submission by aaron cope)