snarky portland blogger clowns world.

who did this?  who is responsible for this?  i swear to fucking god.  i hope the chinese factory you neglected to order a quality check sample from fucks up your shipment and you end up sitting on 24,000 one eyed bears that live in shoes.  can’t use ‘em for firewood.

no really.  what is it?  please explain the jimlar corporation’s billion dollar success while you stroke your boot in front of your shitty camcorder and your undeserved collection of fryes.

a guy walks down the street in a long sleeved henley with a button up hawaiian shirt over it.  his hands are tucked into the pockets of the raggiest jeans ever that are so out of date (levi’s pipeleg silvertabs or something) they must be his older brother’s.  he throws me a nod and tells me, “nice outfit” like it means something special coming from him.  i smile weakly and then he says something stupid like, “rad”.

(shoe submission by liz scheer)

i recently watched the first twilight movie with my boyfriend.  neither of us had read the books, but we finally wanted to know what all the fuss was about.  it was absolutely fucking terrible.  the movie immediately bombards you with all sorts of steamy, intense and profound emotions.  these emotions are built on little to no foundation.  the movie lacked a structure of any sort.  the main characters were poorly developed and at the end of it i was in a word, confused.

it is common knowledge that when a book is turned into a movie, it sucks.  it goes hand in hand that those who have read the book generally hate the movie.  they chastise the movie for being so shallow, so hollywood.

movies butcher books and everybody knows it.

so why then do those who have read the books in the twilight series tell me, “it’s just that you don’t really know the whole story.”  “the movie would make more sense to you if you had read the book.”  “well, if you haven’t read the book then you’re probably not really getting everything.”

yeah, just like the french revolutionary war would make more sense if i had ever bothered to read a god damn history book.  but i’ll tell you what.  if i rented a movie about the french revolutionary war, it would probably bother to lend some insight.  i paid blockbuster $4.00 to give me a story that i didn’t have to read a book to get.  it was not my responsibility to go the extra mile to understand the story.  i already gave you the $4.00.  that was the deal blockbuster.  that’s the whole point of a fucking movie.

even ugly bitches can stop traffic in these.  and who knows what the hell they’ll stop it for.  cookies?  oprah?  to read you a chapter out of the latest twilight?  to tell you they’ll do some of those things other girls won’t do followed by a very obvious wink.  *shudder* 

let’s make it a real team effort to ensure these prototypes never make it to production.  i can’t help but imagine a zombie army full of overweight housewives wearing these while wandering through the streets kind of drunk, just lookin’ for cars, shards of funyuns escaping their lips as they yell, “hey ssccchhtoop!”  and when this happens, the united states will finally fall from the thread from which it has hung so long.  the crooked fashion police will take this country down.  honestly, i’ll probably fare well during this high heeled takeover as i can wear high heels longer than anyone and will be the last woman standing in these cop shoes, bossing everyone around.  will the power go to my head?  will i be benevolent?  well.  maybe you should all keep that in mind the next time you see me.  careful steppin’ if i were you.

(shoe submitted by both benjamin diggles and keri chang)