this looks like a graphic design major’s final photoshop project. who would really want this shoe other than batman’s poison ivy? i’m sure she would “bee” delighted to take them off of the shopkeep’s hands as she would find them absolutely “de-vine” and thereafter never let them “leaf” her site. and, as she told lady freeze when she pulled her plug, this is a one woman shoe.
crystal bee, seen here post nitrous hit, has worked in the shoe industry for about 4 years. she used to blog for the shoe company she works for in beautiful portland, oregon. they promptly fired her for being “mean spirited”, “too negative” and having a general lack of respect for grammar and punctuation. (who pays any attention to the syntax of things?) so she started her own blog and named it after her wells fargo checking account, hence the name, “bills shoes and booze.”
i bet this shoe’s mother does not approve of that mohawk. i’ll bet his father would be so infuriated his mother hasn’t even brought herself to tell him yet.
“god damnit,” she said furiously doing the dishes and slamming kitchen cupboards. then more quietly to herself, “god damnit he’s just a boy.”
just givenchy to the desire to in fact, not save a horse. if and when these shoes hit the market the amount of horses that will be saved will be zero. all horses will be ridden at all times. there will not be a single horse un-ridden. most likely unicorns as well. if you believe in unicorns, or if you at least believe in horses please send all complaints to mr. givenchy at 1034 i know what rich sluts want to wear lane, paris france. p.s. horses are real for sure.
Gravis fans felt betrayed and hurt last Thursday afternoon when the quality of their products took a turn for the deadly. daughters, mothers and sisters all over the nation pulled on their new Gravis shoes in the morning to find not a satisfactory reflection coming from the mirror in front of them but a blood curdling scream coming from their very own throats.
“this isn’t flubber folks,” said Officer Hereday who was trying to control the commotion families were causing in the local ER. so what’s the start of all this trouble? it seems as though a magical creature known as a Griffon fell into a giant vat of a green substance labeled, “man made material” at the Gravis factory. in addition to this one of the chemicals used in the manufacturing of the sole proved to be carcinogenic causing the Griffon to bind with the man made material and mutate into something far from a treasure guarding lion with the head and wings of an eagle.
“the shoes are basically eating people,” Hereday explains with little to no emotion. “no feet.”
Dr. Karl Lee of Oregon Health and Science University offers a more in depth explanation. “the carcinogen altered an enzyme found within the Griffon which basically binds to human flesh with surprisingly strong ligands while at the same time breaking down the organic material it is attached to. when this substance was formed into an unflattering boot, and then women voluntarily put their feet into that unflattering boot - they found themselves in a flesh eating trap.”
the enzyme lacked any locomotion so the shoes failed to take casualties. within a few hours the families were simply glad their loved ones were alive. in a gesture of sympathy, the prosthetics department brought over drinks, food and brochures. while appreciated, a few eyebrows were cocked when someone popped a bottle of champagne and one doctor noogied another while saying, “St. Bart’s motherfucker!”
Dr. Lee isn’t so sure everyone should be getting so relaxed so soon. ”these women losing their feet is the least of our worries. when the griffons find out one of their own was killed in a human shoe factory due to loosened safety precautions, there will be hell to pay.”
(shoe submission by Paris Hughes)
“baby do you know where my wallet is? hey where are my clean boxers? what do you mean the milk’s expired? that is not expired. no. it’s not. whatever i didn’t even wanna drink it anyways. don’t throw it out though. don’t. i’ll drink it. i’ll drink it later. where are you going? why? no i don’t care. i just wanted to know where you were going. when are you gonna be back? oh alright i guess i’ll go. just one more game. where’d you put my cell phone? i need my cell phone before we go so you better find it while i’m playing this game so we can go right when i’m done playing. which is soon. i’m doing what i said, i’m playing just one more game. no this is the same one. that other one didn’t even count. i barely got far on it at all. did you find my phone? oh, it’s over? guess we don’t have to go. you didn’t want to go anyways. no you didn’t. oh, you did? ….whoops. you wanna watch this don’t you?”
“yeah i really liked this guy. he was really really nice but sometimes i just think he was just, too good for me.”
“what do you mean?”
“like the other day he asked me if i thought the way i ended my conversation with the grocery store cashier was very polite. i said i didn’t remember. and then he put a hand to his chin and pursed his lips, looked down at the floor and dropped a single tear.”
“seriously?”
“yeah then i suggested we go down to the river, take a walk, and skip some stones or something. and he said, ‘you want me to throw stones?’ and i was like why not you know? and he folded his arms and was like, ‘why don’t you go first?’ really sarcastically. then he walked away. he said he’d always be in my heart but….”
ellie the chemist wondered one day what would happen if she put her brother’s 1993 b.u.m. equipment jeans, a grip of Lucite, elmer’s glue and a bunch of church table legs into an old whiskey barrel and got to mixin’.
(shoe submission by Beth Ramsey Anderson)
bills, shoes and booze is pleased to introduce the Sunday Edition. the blogs written in the style of a newspaper article (shoe finds human host, great expectations) will now be posted every Sunday. hope to see your hungover face each and every week.
and don’t forget to send me your favorite ugly shoe. seecrystalblog@gmail.com
love,
crystal bee
