snarky los angeles blogger clowns world. mostly shoes.

skanks have found a new way to keep the superfluous fur (supfurfluous roflamo) on their boots neat and tidy.  they are simply belting it down.  this gives me an idea of what to do the next time i accidentally walk into mariposa or wet seal.  i’ll just grab a handful of faux leather belts off the rack, and tie up everyone inside.  once that’s good and done i’ll walk them over to the toy store at laser gun point and lay them down on some train tracks.  then i’ll laugh as the many toy trains annoyingly run into their backs over and over again.  “please stop!”  they’ll cry.

(shoe submission by beth ramsey anderson)

[john, paul and jesus are hanging out in the kitchen of their humble abode]

[john]  hey jesus how are things going with adina, that cute little water bearer?

[jesus]  oh her?  i haven’t talked to her in a while.  i never really talked to her actually.

[john]  you should.  she just broke up with that soldier.  you can’t be lonely forever jay.

[jesus]  it’s just seems like none of them are at a high enough spiritual level for me.  that’s all.

[peter]   [yells from other room]  well we’re not all perfect like you jeez.  she’s nice enough.

[jesus]  well i don’t just want nice enough.

[paul]  hey i think we all  know where i stand.

[jesus]  yeah yeah….

[paul]  as i told the corinthians!  “i wish that all were as i myself am … to remain unmarried as i am … those who marry do well, those who refrain from marriage do better”

[john]  jesus is so damn lonely i don’t think he could do any worse [tags up with paul]

[jesus]  shut the fuck up you guys.

[peter enters the room]

[peter]  ball and cup just doesn’t pass the time like it used to.  what are you assholes all fighting about?  is perfect jesus getting picked on again?

[jesus]  these assholes couldn’t bother me if they tried.

[peter starts using the ball and cup as a paddleball close enough to jesus's face that he is hitting him in the face with it]

[peter]  what about this asshole?

[jesus]  [teeth clenched]  i would appreciate it if you would stop that.

[peter]  i was just hoping you could suffer a few more moments for my benefit that’s all.  i’m really enjoying this.  you will won’t you?  since you’re perfect and all?

[jesus]  fine.

[jesus finally unable to stand the continuing head pummel, bites peter on the arm.  peter screams with pain, but maniacally laughing at the same time as he has broken the son of god.  john and paul join in the laughter.]

[john]  how’s that water bearer starting to look right now?  i bet she hasn’t  bitten anyone on the arm.

these platform ankle boots, like those that wear them, were hot ten years ago.  chinese laundry has named this boot “never”.  which is rather fitting, as you should never put an hourglass heel on a boot made in this millenium.  you should also never price it reasonably, thereby making it available to sluts.  without a shadow of a doubt i will eventually see these on the ankles of a wrinkle in time tard skank.  and when that happens one of two fates will befall me, both related to indiana jones.  one:  i will suffer walter donovan’s fate when he drank from the wrong holy grail or two:  i will melt like a nazi in the presence of a biblical relic.  except i’m not a private collector of relics or a nazi.  and chinese laundry, they are certainly not god.  clearly.

as if the toes weren’t enough of a clue.  they had to place a few small candycorns at the ankle just to make sure we’re picking up what they’re layin’ down.  “oooooh the shoes look like candycorns.  i knew it was something.  but wait.  [pause]  i see it now.  it’s totally candycorn.  i would’ve figured it out.”

it’s pretty difficult to sell suede shoes in portland because the inhabitants think they can only wear them three months out of the year.  i can only imagine a salesperson trying to hock these.  “these’ll be great next weekend.”  “you could probly still wear ‘em like a couple-a days after halloween.  i would.  i do, actually.”  “imagine the look on their faces every late october.”

god damnit henry.  there isn’t enough straw in the world to-  you know what?  forget it.

these look like crocs made for elephant feet.  they should remake the 1954 movie Elephant Walk incorporating these shoes into the plotline.  instead of having the elephants attack the villa because of a strong grudge against the plantation, they could attack it because elizabeth taylor made them wear crocs. 

but thank god the runoff from all my super drenched items (????????) will no longer be a hassle with this rubber, not to mention customizable tote from Lubber.   because i can’t tell you how many times i drop my wallet into a running stream or how often i am guilty of dragging my scarf in deep street mulch.  problem be gone.  sure, i lose a few tampons and i never have a pen at the bank.  but i just lub this bag.