snarky portland blogger clowns world. mostly shoes.

in reference to the title of the blog, no i’m not talking about being arrested for a fashion crime.  i’m talking about basic safety.  and as my mom would say, “why don’t we all just put the spine covered doc martens away beFORE somebody gets an eye put out.  alright?  kids?  does that sound like a plan?  hey.” 

i’m also fairly certain i saw these shoes taking out a chariot.  i mean if somebody could make these things illegal before agro portland bike gangs get a hold of them that would be great.  i don’t need a fixed gear junkie having the ability to clown my car by just sticking a leg out.  not to mention the damage they’re going to do to each other.  (secret bonus?)  broken ankles everywhere.  eyes put out too.  damnit mom.  you were right.  i should have listened.  but good things do happen after midnight.  you were wrong about that one.  but i totally see where you were coming from.  because you probs wouldn’t have wanted me to do any of that stuff.  but admittedly, it was fun.

the bow really softens it up.  otherwise might have looked too harsh.  bow really does it.  good job shoe brand i didn’t bother to write down.  also i can see right through that heel.  like right through it.  so if you need a fig leaf or something, you know, fuck off.

mc escher decides to make a shoe.  which way does it go?  wary be the shoe salesperson trying to put this back in the box.  it would be like, straight to the 70s with that person’s mind.  if you cross your eyes and put your face very close to the computer screen while looking at the picture below, and then back up from the screen very slowly while focusing in and out of the picture, you will actually be able to see how unbelievably retarded this shoe is.

this shoe inspired by the gothic era, is from the rupert sanderson for karl lagerfeld line.  the shoe has gained popularity, not as actual footwear but as a prank easily played on romans.  the prank is played by holding a shoe in each hand and then shaking them in the general direction of romans, who then scatter.  ax not removable.

these shoes have me on the edge of my seat.  i can’t wait to see where they walk next.  but seriously, if a friend of mine had these shoes i would get a bunch of my shirts and pants with the opposing rivet end and stick them all over their shoes while they were watching tv.  and then they’d get up and try to go to the kitchen to get a snack and it would be like, “nope.  you’re stuck in clothing quicksand.”  and they would raise their fists into the air and say, “aaarrrgghhh!”  and i would eat all the snacks five feet in front of them, laughing all the while.