not street legal

in reference to the title of the blog, no i’m not talking about being arrested for a fashion crime.  i’m talking about basic safety.  and as my mom would say, “why don’t we all just put the spine covered doc martens away beFORE somebody gets an eye put out.  alright?  kids?  does that sound like a plan?  hey.” 

i’m also fairly certain i saw these shoes taking out a chariot.  i mean if somebody could make these things illegal before agro portland bike gangs get a hold of them that would be great.  i don’t need a fixed gear junkie having the ability to clown my car by just sticking a leg out.  not to mention the damage they’re going to do to each other.  (secret bonus?)  broken ankles everywhere.  eyes put out too.  damnit mom.  you were right.  i should have listened.  but good things do happen after midnight.  you were wrong about that one.  but i totally see where you were coming from.  because you probs wouldn’t have wanted me to do any of that stuff.  but admittedly, it was fun.

shuz?

 

alexander mcqueen skater

alexander mcqueen is shocking the fashion world with these ten inch heels.  the jewel encrusted nude upper on these sky scrapers resembles the outfit a professional skater might wear.  of course in order to wear the shoes, you might also need the core muscles of a professional skater.  and if the height of the heel doesn’t kill you when trying to walk down the street, then the gang of mexican kids with baseball bats looking to break the candy out of your ankles sure as hell will.  on the upside, those with a severe case of bound foot will be physically able to wear the new style as shown by the photo below. 

exhibit a:  bound foot (p.s. unacceptable)

exhibit b:  marie curie’s reaction to alexander mcqueen’s new shoe style

what

as far as how to wear the new style experts suggest either wearing it with a nude jewel encrusted onesie or one of the new cd shard covered sweater dresses by no vagranchic.  the costumes for the entire cast of cirque du soleil are also a viable choice.  or accessorize with a pair of googly eyes, making the gap between the heel and vertical sole look like a mouth hole.  then put your foot on your friend’s/stranger’s leg while making chomping noises so as to pretend you are eating them, or slip your hand inside in order to more easily ask a child how they are really feeling.  if they say scared, don’t be surprised, you did just try to eat their father’s leg with the same makeshift puppet.

(photo submitted separately by both paris hughes and leslie ferguson)

juxtaposition of the century

the bow really softens it up.  otherwise might have looked too harsh.  bow really does it.  good job shoe brand i didn’t bother to write down.  also i can see right through that heel.  like right through it.  so if you need a fig leaf or something, you know, fuck off.

The Sunday Edition: that’ll keep ‘em safe

Consumer Product Review

the brand SWIMS has created a protective covering for your fancy heels called “the cityslipper”.  it comes in both a low and a high heel height.  it is also extremely tarded.  what’s more tard than that is the marketing campaign SWIMS has chosen for the product.  drawing on a vague connection between the product’s name cityslipper and the 1991 movie city slickers starring billy crystal, the company has secured crystal as a spokesperson for the product.  the company is sure crystal’s enthusiasm will overcome the fact that he doesn’t test well in audiences of women ages 18-death.  below are some of the images that have come out of the campaign.

 

cityslippers promo

city slippers promo

point?

question mark

mc escher decides to make a shoe.  which way does it go?  wary be the shoe salesperson trying to put this back in the box.  it would be like, straight to the 70s with that person’s mind.  if you cross your eyes and put your face very close to the computer screen while looking at the picture below, and then back up from the screen very slowly while focusing in and out of the picture, you will actually be able to see how unbelievably retarded this shoe is.

be my fan on facebook.

prease?

off with her ankles

this shoe inspired by the gothic era, is from the rupert sanderson for karl lagerfeld line.  the shoe has gained popularity, not as actual footwear but as a prank easily played on romans.  the prank is played by holding a shoe in each hand and then shaking them in the general direction of romans, who then scatter.  ax not removable.

shoe store comic six

six

riveting, to be sure

these shoes have me on the edge of my seat.  i can’t wait to see where they walk next.  but seriously, if a friend of mine had these shoes i would get a bunch of my shirts and pants with the opposing rivet end and stick them all over their shoes while they were watching tv.  and then they’d get up and try to go to the kitchen to get a snack and it would be like, “nope.  you’re stuck in clothing quicksand.”  and they would raise their fists into the air and say, “aaarrrgghhh!”  and i would eat all the snacks five feet in front of them, laughing all the while.

jeremy scott takes inspiration from peacocks

adidas-x-jeremy-scott-attitude-metro-1

jeremy scott has obviously tapped into this fall’s peacock trend by creating a men’s sneaker with an oversized tongue that resembles the upright feathers of a male peacock.  while lots of girlfriends and wives haved picked up the sneaker and shown interest, the boyfriends and husbands as of yet seem uninterested.