snarky los angeles blogger clowns world. mostly shoes.

i’m totally hardcore, it’s just sometimes i need to run down the street to grab some cottage cheese and pineapple from zupan’s.  i rock out like the best of them for sure but…  after a hard night of partying i like to pop a couple doan’s back relief pills and shuffle around the house in a pair of pajama pants and my keds.  and even if i didn’t.  it’s not like i can play guitar hero 5 in platform docs anymore.

these built-in spring in the step sandals were spotted at fazzari’s pizza in clarkston, washington.  clarkston is across the river from lewiston, idaho my hometown.  therefore, these shoes have a special place in my heart.  there is also a 20% chance those are my mom’s cinch bottom capris, although i can’t see babs spending that much on pizza.

these shoes look like a factory that’s falling apart.  you know when springs start shooting out of machines, red buttons start lighting up and steam comes out of all the pipe joints.  “she’s gonna blow!” type stuff.  except i think the only thing that lady’s gonna blow is $15 on a designer “shabam” pizza from fazzari’s.  god damnit i want some.

(shoe suggestion by tom moreno)

apparently.  there is a brand of shoes called scripts christian shoes that make sneakers with bible verses on them.  the verse featured on the above sneaks is phillipians 4:13, which says, “i can do all things through christ who strengthens me.”  i think that verse might be better suited for a pair of high heels don’t you think?  which are actually somewhat difficult to walk in.  i’m pretty sure you can walk in these tennies without the strength of christ.  unless you’re planning to walk on water.  (zing)  however, it certainly would take the strength of christ to mask homosexuality so strong, that you’re actually wearing sneakers with bible verses on them.  i think i’ll make my own jesus sneakers that have leviticus 18:22 printed on them.  and then on the side of the sneaker write, “detestable sin?  DELECTABLE SIN!  lol.”

you know how when women finally toss out those ugly old boots they don’t think they’ll ever wear again RIGHT THEN they come back in style?  well, i still have these boots that are currently for sale by diba.  i have yet to throw out these same boots that are buried in a plastic tub of platform shoes and cropped sweater tops below my house.  they’re still sitting there waiting to be thrown out.  i believe they’re right next to the hot pink steve madden flip flop heels about which i said, “with what and/or when could you not wear these?”  turns out the answer was anything/2004.

the last time i got these boots out i loaned them to my boyfriend’s sister for her princess leia costume (mine are white).  i stumbled around drunk at parties in them when i was a freshman in college.  what was that?  like 7 years ago?  now we could sit here and argue about whether diba is 7 years too late or 23 years too early, or we could just laugh and think about that peasant top with the conical sleeves i used to rock to anthropology 101 in.  remind me to never get rid of my harem pants.

well if this isn’t the equivalent of a catbell for a human woman then i don’t know what it is.  how could you stand the sound of faux leather tassles slapping around every time you took a step?  i just hope those who have homes or workplaces with especially long and usually abandoned hallways have thought about the effects this shoe might have on the psyche of those who occupy the adjoining rooms/offices.  “hey everyone sheryl went to the bathroom again.  waa waaa waaaaaaa.  god she might as well announce it.”  if i were in one of those adjoining rooms/offices i would stick my head out into the hallway and just yell ”TMI!” every time that sheryl walked towards the bathroom. 

(shoe submission by beth ramsey anderson)