oh grate. this disaster was spotted at a southwest portland new year’s eve party.
nice job nye dumbass. way to clunk around for 20 minutes with a god damn grate on your heel without noticing. before the grate could be replaced, a kazoo along with a bottle of champagne and several party attendees slipped through the drain.
(photo taken and submitted by dan bee)
this looks like the foot of a dinosaur. a big clunky shapeless dinosaur foot. no it’s actually more clunky and shapeless than that. it looks more like the foot of a snowdinosaur that a young dinosaur would make. basically this shoe resembles nothing. maybe some rotten mango fruit satan would eat. maybe some egg carton foam stapled to a black wall.
i like it that there’s a runway shot of the flipper shoe, as though it ever graced one. when in reality the creator’s wife put these flip flops on and they turned a $7.99 wal-mart lamp on them against a dark wall in the basement of their rented home.
alright so it did grace the runway. thanks a lot jean paul gaultier. if you’d like to see a short clip of the model tripping, click here.
(shoe submission by elizabeth scheer)
hey what belt should i wear with these jeans? oh i don’t know maybe it doesn’t even fucking matter.
this boot by rsvp has been given the name “stefania”. undoubtedly rsvp is trying to honor the generations of russian hookers that have come before. i will however, be rsvp-ing no to the boot festivities. the only thing this boot might be good for is a candy bag for a young witch on halloween. and even then it’s weird cause it’s a shoe and all. because candy goes in your mouth and a boot goes on your foot. so i guess the boot actually has no purpose. unless the hooker’s name is candy in which case you’ve bridged the foot mouth problem. wait. what?
(shoe submission by beth ramsey anderson)
you have probs heard of these shoes made by vibram five fingers. they’re like gloves for your feet. and honestly, they’re great if you want to look like a fucking gorilla with a tie on everywhere you go. if you want to carry around a clipboard that just has a picture of a banana clipped to it. and i thought the rainbow socks with the toes were bad. i thought they were enough. i thought I’D HAD ENOUGH. but vibram five fingers has to put up this website with these god damn testimonials and then i have to see photos like the one below.
jesus christ. the woman in the photo says, “There’s nothing better than putting on my Vibram FiveFingers and going out for a run across the prairie with my dog, Boulder. Prairie running has the added benefits of distinct seasons, seeing wildflowers bloom, and the occasional critter caught off guard.” i bet she also went to university of montana bozeman and enjoys REI gear, following the speed limit, kayaking and vagina. and if i might ask, what was the critter caught off guard by? was it your dog or was it the giant ape wearing a collar, necktie and digital wristwatch barrelling across the prairie? honestly, i’d feel a little caught off guard if i ran into someone randomly wearing these on the street. i’d feel like i caught them in their embarrassing “at home clothes”. i mean, would a shirt and these shoes even be enough to grant you service in a fast food restaurant? you wouldn’t be served at my fast food restaurant called DignityOnalds where we serve up pride in a hurry. try next door at ShameBurger.
(shoe submission by erin wilson)
these shoes look like a sleezy dude. i would therefore never wear them, especially if i was wearing a skirt. because these shoes would most def be looking up my skirt all day and talking to me like a god damn guido going, “ey! nice!” or “why don’t you let shoezy up dere! dis is torture down here!” then i’d probly start walking with my legs all close together so the pervy shoe couldn’t get any more free shows. then of course the shoes would spot some stairs up ahead and be like, “ho ho ho! c’mon sweetheart!!!!!!” and i’d be all like, “forget it shoes! we’re taking the elevator!” and then waddle closed-thighed over to the elevator as an entire mall full of people gaze upon me with frightened awe.
(shoe submission by beth ramsey anderson)
write your own blog for these. i’m taking the day off.
sure it may be controversial, using a child as bait, but the woodland witch is rarely seen and there isn’t much that can lure her out of her dark candy coated cottage…except for children. the quickest way to get an evil woodland witch out into the open for observation is to dress a child in these shoes and send it into the forest alone. if you really want to up your chances of seeing the witch, you better send them off with a basket of goodies covered in a white and red checked cloth. but don’t worry, the child won’t really be alone. a team of witch-killing but overall rather friendly lumberjacks with large axes will be nearby. directly behind them a team of cameramen and scientists will be waiting to capture valuable images and footage to be used in the highly anticipated second installment of Discovery’s Planet Earth series.
barack obama has been declared mvp of 2008 by air jordans. apparently obama has won another award he has yet to prove he is worthy for. if he can or will dunk has yet to be seen. maybe air jordans meant most valuable president. sorry nicholas sarkozy. p.s. it was carla that lost it for you.
p.s. who drew that obama? go back to art school. it looks like the winning mural of a 4th grade art contest that got displayed on the 4th floor of the local hospital.
(inspiration from roommates adam bee and dan bee)