snarky los angeles blogger clowns world. mostly shoes.

first a lil’ fashion.  this shoe is a part of nicholas kirkwood’s spring 2010 lineup.  kirkwood is infamous for making some wild and crazy shoes (cousin (sh)it), and i definitely make an effort to check out his lineups each and every season.  he strongly favors this specific type of platform which always appears somewhat nebulus to the rest of the shoe.  now for some clownin’.  they look like you could pop them right off and find a secret key or some emergency chocolate in there.  not to mention the fact that you could use both the heel and the heel cup as separate and frankly, very complimentary weapons.  for both of those reasons, airports love these shoes.  big fans.  such big fans the security guards might want to pull you aside and ask you a few questions about them.  the heel appears a bit like a jenga game.  maybe it is a jenga game.  jenga the footwear edition.  how far can you walk in these before you just come toppling down?  imagining the runway lined with families dressed like they’re from the 1990s instead of snooty fashion officials just cheering those bitches on.  “come on sweetie you can do this!” 

and let’s not get too excited but I think I have a match made in heaven for the model below sporting the shoe on the runway.  *fingers crossed*

it is a sad day in the fashion world.  Alexander McQueen, the British fashion designer, was found dead today in his london home.  he was 40 years old.  suicide is suspected, but not confirmed.  this is a true loss of genius that can never be replaced.

click here to read more.

a product arises.

the inventor?  karl lee, formerly a doctor with Oregon Health and Science University in Portland, Oregon.  his reasoning?  until this interview, largely unclear.  lee states, “i wanted to make something for the buffy summers of the world.  a product for those unsung vampire killing soldiers of the night, who aren’t satisfied with being able to kill a vampire with just two free hands.”  lee began work on the project after his own wife reportedly received a fatal bite from a vampire just one year ago.  i interview lee in his home.

“vampires are a real threat.  a threat that most families feel does not apply to them.  well most families are flat out wrong.”    lee gestures to a photo of his late wife.  “we were wrong.”

“traditional vampire defense systems are all focused at waist level or above.  well i’ve got news for you.  vampires can crawl.  vampires can crouch.  vampires can grab you by the ankles and floor you in an instant. and then-”  lee holds up two curled over fingers on his right hand then makes a hissing noise at me.  “we simply can’t rely on the old systems anymore.  traditional dark clothing and a wooden stake gripped in your dominant hand isn’t going to work against today’s vampires.  that’s why i’ve invented Ninja Stakes.”

“what do today’s vampires do?  do they email?”

“they have advanced defense and attack systems, far beyond those of vampires in the past.”

karl lee is no longer a doctor.  after being sued for the failure of his last invention, mountain goat inspired footwear for climbers, he was stripped of his title due to the product’s many failures and subsequent endangerments it placed on those who purchased it.  according to state records, his wife reportedly left him shortly thereafter.

i tried to discuss these points with lee, but he continued unfettered, “you’re hiding under a table?  hi-ya!  you bust out of the closet with a round house kick?  hi-ya!  you have literally DOUBLED your chances of success.  vampire pins your arms behind your back, stab him with your ankles.  got you by the legs?  stab him old school.”

“mr. lee, don’t you think the limited mobility your product can cause might actually reduce your chance at defending yourself against a vampire?”

“no.”

“karl, is your wife dead?”

“she’s dead to me.”

“mr. lee, was your wife bitten by a vampire?”

“of course.”

“karl-.”

“the shoes comes in black, grey and navy blue with a base option of mahogany or sandalwood.  how many would  you like to order?”

“no silver tipped versions?”

“HOW MANY WOULD YOU LIKE TO ORDER?”

i learned about these from an article posted to my facebook.  these so called pants that resemble jeans have no seams and are made of a mixture of cotton and spandex.  the very first line of the article states, “it’s a fashion must have”.  anything only available online or by phone for $39.95 is neither a fashion item nor a necessity.  so, what’s wrong with wearing jeans?  this seems like an awfully elaborate way around the not problem of just wearing jeans.  in the article, a woman named sherrie graddic apparently thinks it would be acceptable to, “drink some wine or watch a movie” in them.  what?  maybe two buck chuck and tremors.  there is no fucking way your ass doesn’t look like a sad clown when you’re walking down the street in these.  there’s no way the pockets are going to maintain any sort of shape.  not to mention the asstrap.  they’ll become droopy and distorted within hours.  your figure will melt like a salvador dali painting.  you know what?  fuck these pants.

(article suggestion by katy tahirih linhart)

this one might be a little easy.  tho worth posting for the absolutely insane boots. 

….guess!