you know your man still thinks of you as a sexual entity when he buys you these sexy grandpa slippers with attached broom and dustpan.  because there’s nothing sexier than looking like a hunchback with flat arches shuffling across the floor that gave you wrinkles and grey hair to buy.  not to mention the incessant banging noise that the brush makes as you go underneath the pantry doors and along the walls.  it’s enough to drive a man crazy.

BLEEDING WITH SARCASM –> somewhere between x-men fanatics and furries is apparently a customer base large enough to support this.  <– BLEEDING WITH SARCASM

for some reason when i look at these shoes i imagine the person wearing them is an emotionally stunted 40 year old man in an old ratty Garfield t-shirt too short for his chili belly and pajama pants who constantly yells at his wife to bring him cookies and beer.  then when his wife inevitably one day suggests he get his own beer and cookie, the man loses it causing him to stomp up and down in his claw shoes and say, “you’re a meany!  you’ve always been a meany!  you’re SO MEAN!”

(video submitted by nick bee)

i guess grandma got her groove back.  but what dollhouse has forgotten, is that when grandma gets her groove back, no one wants to see it or know about it.  shit just ain’t fit.  plus grandpa would roll over in his grave.  or worse, shakily aim a rifle at a young hustler who’s just trying to get by.  it’s not his fault.  he’s just a product.

(shoe submission by _gfunk)

i can only think of one practical use for these.

you ready?

okay so you’re in mexico, right?  and someone breaks into your house in a murderous and potentially burglarous rage.  you hide behind the drapes.  IT WORKS.  cause the murglars would be all like, “oh let’s grab this mexican flatscreen but if you see somebody kill them” and they’d scan the room and be all like – NOPE.  cause you’re ankles would be all like day of the dead and our lady guadalupe and shit.

(shoe submission by JB)

and that’s how a spoof is done.  let that be a lesson to all you other youtube spoofers.

(original hungrybear video here)

oh, and this one is pretty good too.

what the fuck are these cats trying to sell me?  there are entirely too many numbers and weaponry-named sandwiches involved.  i have heard this ad at least a dozen times and i still have no idea what it’s trying to tell me.  i think it’s trying to tell me to go to subway and get a five dollar footlong because its menu is a lot less confusing than their competition’s.

however, this ad does compel me to put a bullet in those musketeer cats.  and i would, if i could only remember where to buy a bullet and how much it cost.

this shoe super bugs.  but i have to say, if portland were a shoe it would most definitely be a wooden rollerskate clog unnecessarily adorned with feathers and a brocade border.  this shoe is probably skating down alberta street right now on the feet of a man wearing large black jnco-esque jeans with flames patched onto them and a lot of un-used suspenders hanging down around the legs.  he’s definitely shirtless.  and his girlfriend is probably some filthy whore who thinks knee high striped socks go with everything.  dumb bitch.  probly works at the yarn barn.  god.  p.s. they don’t.

also this shoe looks like boober.

here is a text message conversation that my mom and i had this week.  i am applying for my passport and need my original birth certificate.  (above is vintage 2005 snapshot of us)

crystal:  did you find my birth certificate yet?

babs:  no crystal.  i looked very hard.  i did not find it.

crystal:  are you sure  you’re not like, hiding it from me?

babs:  [no response]

crystal:  i just find this all very suspicious.  you never lose anything.  you’ve never lost a thing.  baaaaaabs?  are you sure?

babs:  [no response]

crystal:  it’s just i’m trying to take a trip and you’re making it real  hard on me by “losing” my birth certificate.  i think maybe you should look one more time.  i think you might just find it.  am i right or am i right?

babs:  i give you my word, which should not be necessary, that i do not have your birth certificate.

crystal:  mam.  when hurricane katrina II hits oregon and all my possessions are washed away by wind and water.  and when on this day you proudly produce my original birth certificate (with the raised embossment!) so that i may re-establish my identity, showing your incredible willpower and foresight as a mother.  when you do this, i will be angry with you.  i will rip it apart on the spot and begin a new life, something where i work with my hands, take a new name and disappear.  so really, by giving me the birth certificate now, you are really protecting it, and i, the one you love, from a life of hard labor.

babs:  crystal i don’t have it.

crystal:  yes you do!

babs:  are you sure YOU’VE looked everywhere?

[two minutes go by]

crystal:  found it!  thanks maaaam!