comes in two colors, “natural” and “worlds unite”.  i personally would call these colors “puke” and “the color my puke shows up on more.”  i can think of only one way i could properly utilize these heels.  picture a bar, preferably a divey one with a few old timers scattered about.  in my saturday night’s finest, i would walk into this bar and begin fake climbing across the horizontal floor by moving in large slow motion steps, grabbing large chunks of air with my hands, and making loud painful grunting noises.  when i reached the bar probably four minutes later, i’d also use that grip action sole to anchor my foot firmly to the bar stool as i give an unnecessary, pain stricken but victorious yell to finally grab my drink from the annoyed bartender.  then i would post a video of this on youtube and entitle it “fuck you teva”.

(shoe submission by iris murdock and john forsythe)

facebook continues to imitate life.  why am i starting to feel like R.J. MacReady in John Carpenter’s The Thing?  oh wait i know.  because i’m starting to think a parasitic alien life form named facebook attacked and then assimilated all my friends and turned them into asinine streams of 11 word sentences that only LOOK like my friends.  i’m not sure who’s real anymore.  anyone who has been alone with facebook for long periods of time is now suspect of being a mere imitation of themselves.  and who is that?  everyone.

let’s get a few things straight.

facebook is not human interaction.  facebook is not shoes. it can’t hold you or comfort you like people or shoes can.  it’s life reduced in a digital frying to pan to an archaic message board full of grunts and caveman fists beating on chests, potentially being controlled by an invasive life form that wants to turn you into super gross jelly and then reform you into a blander more boring same version of yourself that talks much and does little.  and it also might severe your head from your body, then subsequently grow spider legs and periscope eyes out of it.  both seem equally unappealing and deserving of kurt russell’s torch gun.

(shoe submission by christopher mcconnell)

(blog inspired by rc)

way to match up the waffle print.  because that’s hard.

(shoe submission by keri chang)

these shoes look like they were constructed out of a bunch of old wood clocks made of glazed tree cross sections with “time to fish” engraved in the center.  in other words, i don’t like them.  i’d rather have big mouth billy the singing bass go off every time i’m trying to orgasm than wear these shoes.  yep.

these look like something a brazilian elf would wear as he delivers innumerable ball in a cup games to poor children at brazilian christmas.  they have that, right?  elves and christmas and shit?  well, christmas for sure.  i don’t know about elves.  not sure elves have spread that far south.  great now i’m blogging about elves like they’re a disease or killer bees.  *long exhale*  i actually just googled “brazilian christmas elf”.  google didn’t come up with anything.  that’s how hard brazil DOESN’T have elves.  i’m surprised some retarded dj hasn’t scooped that little gem up already for his stage name.  should though.

(shoe submitted by keri chang)

regular old top’ll do.

i mean for christ sake’s if you really wanna get the rolling pin out just lean over and whisper in the sap’s ear, “don’t hit on my friends or say something racist and you might just get lucky tonight.”  skip the shoes.  truth’s free.  plus you save on gas to the louboutin store.

shitty beadwork ahoy!  few things in this world can manage to wrench an audible “sheesh” out of me.  and this fall 2010 boot lineup from chanel is one of them.  these shoes remind me of a horrible midriff scrunchie tee i used to wear in junior high that would always get me in trouble with babs.

but seriously all these styles look like they should be tagged together as pairs and thrown in a bin for fashion inferiors to sort through at a local kohls with wtf sizing like, “fits 6-7″.  and don’t think those kohls motherfuckers won’t sort.  they’ll sort like laotians on a quality control assembly line.  find their size and every god damn color left in it.  big ill-shaped asses in the air.  god i don’t even know why this makes me angry.

the dsquared label is gonna need a little more than these bone thin stilettos if they expect to hunker down for winter with any sort of seriousness.  these shoes will make little more than a thin soup.  a thin soup i say!

but more importantly this shoe brings to light my serious hate of swarovski crystals.  since when is cut glass worth anything?  i guess since some mr. swarovski character pulled some l ron hubbard shit and decided they were.  some day i’ll find mr swarovski, take a glass candy dish i found at goodwill and dramatically smash it on the ground in front of him.  then i will yell, “ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS PLEASE!”  and when he develops a contorted and confused expression i’ll pull out a mirror and show him his own face.

you know your man still thinks of you as a sexual entity when he buys you these sexy grandpa slippers with attached broom and dustpan.  because there’s nothing sexier than looking like a hunchback with flat arches shuffling across the floor that gave you wrinkles and grey hair to buy.  not to mention the incessant banging noise that the brush makes as you go underneath the pantry doors and along the walls.  it’s enough to drive a man crazy.

BLEEDING WITH SARCASM –> somewhere between x-men fanatics and furries is apparently a customer base large enough to support this.  <– BLEEDING WITH SARCASM

for some reason when i look at these shoes i imagine the person wearing them is an emotionally stunted 40 year old man in an old ratty Garfield t-shirt too short for his chili belly and pajama pants who constantly yells at his wife to bring him cookies and beer.  then when his wife inevitably one day suggests he get his own beer and cookie, the man just absolutely fucking loses it.