has anyone seen trixie?  yeah we’re trying shoot the snake heels?  hello?  hey you seen trixie?

this model has a huge dump in her pants and is missing at least one toe from her left foot.  but i digress.  this shoe makes your ankle and foot look like a full blown sith lord.  these shoes could not, however, choke me to death telekinetically and are therefore a pathetic farse for one.

unfortunately, i have no idea who the designer is.  there is a good chance it’s a portland art institute student’s senior project entitled “hoodies for feet”.  recycled garbage bag hoodies to keep your ankles dry and in style.  or i have an idea, instead of creating an elaborate hoodie/emergency rain poncho to keep your ankle dry, you could like, i don’t know, just wear regular god damn shoes?  shuz.

i’m going to be honest with you.  this does take some of the magic out of cinderella for me.  imagining her poor dirty housemaid’s feet shoved into inflexible glass shoe forms.  gross.  right?  i bet they looked like ass.  they always leave the “bleeding like a faucet and hunchback-like limping” part out of her grand entrance into the ballroom.  she should have stayed where she belonged.  with those mice.  poor dirty bitch.

finally a solution for those who want to hide the ankles that low fat milk has cursed them with.  waa waaaaa waaaaaaaaaa.

*points a single index finger in the air*  “christian-”  *fist to mouth*  “christian i just-”

the sock is a failed attempt to try and keep that rogue toe/the toe bandit in line.  and god knows i hate a tiny bow.  they look chinsy and stupid.  they are in no way proportionate to a human body and are therefore unable to accent one.  how could they?  they’re so small.  i don’t know why people allow manufacturers to get away with this cheap malnourished embellishment over and over again.  it’s insulting.  i would rather have nothing.  i would rather go embellishment hungry.  examine the tiny bow photos below and see for yourself.  and please, if you or anyone you know is wearing shoes that have extremely tiny bows, get help removing them. 

(since you probs won’t be able to look at this photo very long, i invite you to scroll down until it’s off the screen and just read the description of it i have written below)

if this picture could speak a thousand words, some of them would probably be “pierre and i had a few too many bottles of wine”, “i’m pretty sure we got a homeless guy to be our foot model” and “it seemed like a good idea at the time”.

the hairy legs, protruding veins, heinous toenails and forefoot mole are enough to make this the most disgusting foot of all time.  but to top it off, the bastard doesn’t even have the time or courtesy to remove the disgusting blister bandage from his ankle for the photo shoot and/or the photographer doesn’t have the time to find a homeless guy who wears more comfortable shoes.  honestly,  i feel as though i’ve just been flashed.  and that cork thong strap must really be doin’ it ergonomics-wise as it is has actually shoved the second toe onto the third.

yes.  i realize this isn’t meant to be a real shoe.  and yes, i realize some shoeless drunk asshole thinks this is funny or worse, art.  but it’s no excuse for poor workmanship.  but i’ll tell you what.  it’s a fine example of barfmanship.  so fine it’ll probably win a “barfie” for best barf at the 2010 barfie awards.

there are many signs that one has become schizophrenic.  such as hallucinations or bizarre delusions.  for example, one imagining they suddenly have the ability to design shoes.  or the ability to decipher whether or not a product has a market.  because an oversized leopard print fading in and out of a red-orange backdrop is not slightly short of insane.  it just is insane. 

the movie red dawn comes to mind for some reason.  probably because rather than looking at this shoe, i think i would rather sit back, close my eyes and imagine enemy fire on my home country for days on end.  and the country bombing us is probably the same country manufacturing these boots.  and they’re probs bombing us because we won’t buy them.  their attempt to use a single factory for both the production of boots and couches meant for strip clubs has proven to be a huge disaster, and their economy is failing because of it.

shoe

shoon; verb, shod or shoed, shod or shoed or shod⋅den, shoe⋅ing.

this bahia python print ankle cuff sandal by cocobelle has, but at the same time has not, knocked my socks off.  i’m not sure milla jojovich could have pulled these off in the fifth element, so i’m not sure how some regular jo blo is supposed to.  bruce willis might have had to multi pass on dat shit.