he would most certainly wear these because each victim would feel the kiss of death as he roundhouse kicked the life out of them.

the above video states that it used to be a fashion faux pas to wear socks with sandals but that now it’s a bold statement.  hmmm.  i’m not sure what bold statement these are making but i’m pretty sure it involves something about someone getting paid $20/hour just to make sure you don’t eat a crayon or shit your pants on a daily basis.

right now i’m imagining what the buyer for tj maxx is going to say in a future conversation with the sanuk liquidator.  “yes sir i understand that is a fabulous deal but we just can’t take an order that large.  uh huh.  uh huh.  yes i understand they retailed fairly well in japan, but i can’t take more than i’m already taking.”

you know your products a piece of shit when it’s “retailing fairly well in japan.”

(shoe submission by laura gonzales)

but not the hilarity you’re probably thinking of.  not the hilarious and often heartwarming hollywood moment when all the shoes at that midwestern shoe high school transcend superficiality and say something like, “hey we’re all different, but we’re still shoes right?  we’re in this life together!”

no.

i’m talking about the hilarity that comes as gorgeous louboutin stilettos and fantastically popular yves st laurent heels pull this shoe into the janitor’s closet, beat the living hell of it, and shove its bloody meshy mess into a locker with “loser” spray painted on the outside of it.  the shoe then transfers to a low income payless-type high school for its own safety and is no longer allowed on the west side of town.  funny, right?

(shoe submission by katy tahirih linhart)

old jelly legs up there never stops workin’ that pole.  and she’s doing it without toes.  an inspiration to all of us really.  and we have toes.  makes you think.

(shoe submission by beth ramsey anderson)

is there a lamaze class around here?  i just don’t know-  *gasp*  nascar has-

nascar has designed a line of women’s shoes.  there.  i said it.  i just don’t think people understand that leather producing animals die for these kind of ridiculous whims.  don’t get me wrong i’m no vegetarian but there is no need to be killing fucking goats (these shoes aren’t nice enough to be cow leather) left and right just because you got fucked up on moonshine and had a dream ’bout how you should make up sum o’ dem ladies shuz.  there is also no way a man, nascar fan or not, could find a woman more attractive because she has donned these shoes.  once a woman older than 20 years of age is identified with nascar everyone will know her entire relationship history.  she was divorced at an early age but remarried soon thereafter (most likely to her father’s sweet but creepy long time best friend) and that babies abound.  in other words, bitch is not available.  it speaks to me more loudly than a wedding ring on an anatomical left ring finger because not only are you obviously married, but your husband has a shotgun collection.  sexy question mark.  

because it’s so difficult to actually put socks on.  and also because red mary janes shoes really go with tall basketball socks.  because those items should be paired together.  i know.  let’s make it permanent.  and rubber.

(shoe suggestion by beth ramsey anderson)

what the fuck this?  a japanese commercial for juice?  i am so angry right now.  sometimes i wish spiderman’s uncle ben could sit down and have a serious chat with everyone who knows how to photoshop about the responsibilities that come with that kind of knowledge, with those kind of skills.  but i bet instead of listening to uncle ben, they would probably just photoshop him into a dangerous alley with a carjacking thug in it.  then they’d write “uncle ben p0wn3d!!!!1″ over the altered photo and spread it all over the internet.

there are many signs that one has become schizophrenic.  such as hallucinations or bizarre delusions.  for example, one imagining they suddenly have the ability to design shoes.  or the ability to decipher whether or not a product has a market.  because an oversized leopard print fading in and out of a red-orange backdrop is not slightly short of insane.  it just is insane. 

the movie red dawn comes to mind for some reason.  probably because rather than looking at this shoe, i think i would rather sit back, close my eyes and imagine enemy fire on my home country for days on end.  and the country bombing us is probably the same country manufacturing these boots.  and they’re probs bombing us because we won’t buy them.  their attempt to use a single factory for both the production of boots and couches meant for strip clubs has proven to be a huge disaster, and their economy is failing because of it.

once again people, the theme this week is mad max, waterworld and the fifth element. 

one positive thing about this balenciaga heel is that it is perfectly legal for walking to work in the snow.  you can also use the chain to fashion this into a wristwatch.  the six inch heel acts as the gnomon of a sundial.  and by that, i mean retard o’clock is written on the inside of the heel.  because asshole, you’re wearing a shoe as a watch.

hey what belt should i wear with these jeans?  oh i don’t know maybe it doesn’t even fucking matter.