regular old top’ll do.

i mean for christ sake’s if you really wanna get the rolling pin out just lean over and whisper in the sap’s ear, “don’t hit on my friends or say something racist and you might just get lucky tonight.”  skip the shoes.  truth’s free.  plus you save on gas to the louboutin store.

he would most certainly wear these because each victim would feel the kiss of death as he roundhouse kicked the life out of them.

but not the hilarity you’re probably thinking of.  not the hilarious and often heartwarming hollywood moment when all the shoes at that midwestern shoe high school transcend superficiality and say something like, “hey we’re all different, but we’re still shoes right?  we’re in this life together!”

no.

i’m talking about the hilarity that comes as gorgeous louboutin stilettos and fantastically popular yves st laurent heels pull this shoe into the janitor’s closet, beat the living hell of it, and shove its bloody meshy mess into a locker with “loser” spray painted on the outside of it.  the shoe then transfers to a low income payless-type high school for its own safety and is no longer allowed on the west side of town.  funny, right?

(shoe submission by katy tahirih linhart)

old jelly legs up there never stops workin’ that pole.  and she’s doing it without toes.  an inspiration to all of us really.  and we have toes.  makes you think.

(shoe submission by beth ramsey anderson)

what the fuck this?  a japanese commercial for juice?  i am so angry right now.  sometimes i wish spiderman’s uncle ben could sit down and have a serious chat with everyone who knows how to photoshop about the responsibilities that come with that kind of knowledge, with those kind of skills.  but i bet instead of listening to uncle ben, they would probably just photoshop him into a dangerous alley with a carjacking thug in it.  then they’d write “uncle ben p0wn3d!!!!1″ over the altered photo and spread it all over the internet.

there are many signs that one has become schizophrenic.  such as hallucinations or bizarre delusions.  for example, one imagining they suddenly have the ability to design shoes.  or the ability to decipher whether or not a product has a market.  because an oversized leopard print fading in and out of a red-orange backdrop is not slightly short of insane.  it just is insane. 

the movie red dawn comes to mind for some reason.  probably because rather than looking at this shoe, i think i would rather sit back, close my eyes and imagine enemy fire on my home country for days on end.  and the country bombing us is probably the same country manufacturing these boots.  and they’re probs bombing us because we won’t buy them.  their attempt to use a single factory for both the production of boots and couches meant for strip clubs has proven to be a huge disaster, and their economy is failing because of it.

hey what belt should i wear with these jeans?  oh i don’t know maybe it doesn’t even fucking matter.

this boot by rsvp has been given the name “stefania”.  undoubtedly rsvp is trying to honor the generations of russian hookers that have come before.  i will however, be rsvp-ing no to the boot festivities.  the only thing this boot might be good for is a candy bag for a young witch on halloween.  and even then it’s weird cause it’s a shoe and all.  because candy goes in your mouth and a boot goes on your foot.  so i guess the boot actually has no purpose.  unless the hooker’s name is candy in which case you’ve bridged the foot mouth problem.  wait.  what?

(shoe submission by beth ramsey anderson)

some might say these aphrodite heels that were designed for prostitutes have become a (laughs to self) platform for public discussion.  they have gps tracking, an alarm system and a panic button to alert local law enforcement officials on the heel.  all of this was designed to keep sex workers safe.  i actually have an idea of my own to keep sex workers safe.  it’s called going to trade school.  you see when you’re a plumber, people don’t try to kill you.  (and you can still work those pipes)  because it isn’t the gps-less shoes that are causing prostitutes all sorts of danger.  no, no.  it’s the fact that they’re fucking prostitutes.  so maybe the best way to help prosties this christmas isn’t making a $200 shoe in order to rip them off, make a buck and provide some sort of remedial safety.  hey you guys.  let’s make 82nd snow this christmas.  snow with plumber trade school applications.

(shoe suggestion by katy tahirih linhart)

skanks have found a new way to keep the superfluous fur (supfurfluous roflamo) on their boots neat and tidy.  they are simply belting it down.  this gives me an idea of what to do the next time i accidentally walk into mariposa or wet seal.  i’ll just grab a handful of faux leather belts off the rack, and tie up everyone inside.  once that’s good and done i’ll walk them over to the toy store at laser gun point and lay them down on some train tracks.  then i’ll laugh as the many toy trains annoyingly run into their backs over and over again.  “please stop!”  they’ll cry.

(shoe submission by beth ramsey anderson)