velcro miu miu?  really?  these shoes look like spies that are wearing all of their disguises at once.  and they look a fool doing it.  a fool i tell you!

god i just can’t get over that velcro.  did miuccia prada just shrug her shoulders and go, “well, it’s not prada now is it?”  or maybe, “hey listen guys i really need to get to the grocery store and buy a cartload of salami and prosciutto to power my italian-ness, could you guys just *wave the hands* velcro those or something?  great thanks.”

so this christian louboutin over the knee boot for fall 2010 is made of black suede and fox fur pompoms.  it looks like a game of pin the tail on the donkey.  or i suppose it would be pin the tail on the fox.  i imagine this leaves foxes pretty upset as their tails were already firmly pinned.  let’s not forget about the cows.  pretty sure cows would rather have their skin on their asses rather than stretched over a shoe last with fox tails pinned all over it so a rich lonely housewife can get an afternoon of attention by turning herself into a genu-wine assclown.  she looks ridiculous.  the cow has an uncovered ass.  and there’s at least eight foxes out there without tails.  you can’t just take nature, put it in a salad spinner and then call it $5,000 boots.  put it back where you found it louboutin.

finally a shoe dressed like a vegas-lovin’ grandmother, complete with poker visor.  but forever incomplete, because of its lack of a shrieky shaky voice and the ability to taunt someone with a single m&m as though it were made of pure unadulterated GOLD.  heart you vegas grams.

so.  looks like louis vuitton sawed off the end of a bunch of table legs and killed a goat.  they then glued a mustache of goat fur and the table leg ends to several pairs of uggs dyed like easter eggs.  occasionally attaching a nunchuck as necessary.  and that’s just the shoes.  let’s not forget to mention the two foot long giant rabbit’s feet they have attached to all the handbags.  good luck louis vuitton.

(shoe submission by erin wilson)

is there a lamaze class around here?  i just don’t know-  *gasp*  nascar has-

nascar has designed a line of women’s shoes.  there.  i said it.  i just don’t think people understand that leather producing animals die for these kind of ridiculous whims.  don’t get me wrong i’m no vegetarian but there is no need to be killing fucking goats (these shoes aren’t nice enough to be cow leather) left and right just because you got fucked up on moonshine and had a dream ’bout how you should make up sum o’ dem ladies shuz.  there is also no way a man, nascar fan or not, could find a woman more attractive because she has donned these shoes.  once a woman older than 20 years of age is identified with nascar everyone will know her entire relationship history.  she was divorced at an early age but remarried soon thereafter (most likely to her father’s sweet but creepy long time best friend) and that babies abound.  in other words, bitch is not available.  it speaks to me more loudly than a wedding ring on an anatomical left ring finger because not only are you obviously married, but your husband has a shotgun collection.  sexy question mark.  

in reference to the title of the blog, no i’m not talking about being arrested for a fashion crime.  i’m talking about basic safety.  and as my mom would say, “why don’t we all just put the spine covered doc martens away beFORE somebody gets an eye put out.  alright?  kids?  does that sound like a plan?  hey.” 

i’m also fairly certain i saw these shoes taking out a chariot.  i mean if somebody could make these things illegal before agro portland bike gangs get a hold of them that would be great.  i don’t need a fixed gear junkie having the ability to clown my car by just sticking a leg out.  not to mention the damage they’re going to do to each other.  (secret bonus?)  broken ankles everywhere.  eyes put out too.  damnit mom.  you were right.  i should have listened.  but good things do happen after midnight.  you were wrong about that one.  but i totally see where you were coming from.  because you probs wouldn’t have wanted me to do any of that stuff.  but admittedly, it was fun.

if i could choose any shoes i wanted in the world as wardrobe for my currently scripted yet unproduced pornographic filmed entitled “just clownin’ around”, it would be john galliano’s fall 2009 lineup.  in the film, clown crazed starlets bib up and get spackled by ill placed lapel flowers then look into the camera with a sultry stare and say, “i just got clowned.”  p.s.  i would totally wear these shoes.