comes in two colors, “natural” and “worlds unite”.  i personally would call these colors “puke” and “the color my puke shows up on more.”  i can think of only one way i could properly utilize these heels.  picture a bar, preferably a divey one with a few old timers scattered about.  in my saturday night’s finest, i would walk into this bar and begin fake climbing across the horizontal floor by moving in large slow motion steps, grabbing large chunks of air with my hands, and making loud painful grunting noises.  when i reached the bar probably four minutes later, i’d also use that grip action sole to anchor my foot firmly to the bar stool as i give an unnecessary, pain stricken but victorious yell to finally grab my drink from the annoyed bartender.  then i would post a video of this on youtube and entitle it “fuck you teva”.

(shoe submission by iris murdock and john forsythe)

before i blog about this spring 2010 balmain sandal please excuse me as i grab an acid wash levi’s jacket with faux sheepskin collar.  *puts on imaginary whack-jack*  ah, that’s better.

this is just a repackaged teva isn’t it balmain?  whatever it is, it makes me want to rent Sister Act and listen to Nirvana on cassette.  so 1992.  that also happens to be the year i was forcibly baptized into the mormon religion against my little eight year old will.  so you can imagine i’m not too fond of anything that comes out of 1992 due to this.  in fact i just found a mousehole in my house the other day.  i think i’ll write 1992 around the outside of it and any time anything comes out of it i’ll just stomp the shit out of it.  i’ll kill it dead.

large investment purchases like these giuseppe zanotti sandals for spring 2010 have some would-be criminals subscribing to the “buy now, kill later” philosophy.  not such a safe bet considering the current economic climate and the shortage of “jobs” available…  but that’s not stopping some of the more overzealous dregs of society from stepping up their look.

the above video states that it used to be a fashion faux pas to wear socks with sandals but that now it’s a bold statement.  hmmm.  i’m not sure what bold statement these are making but i’m pretty sure it involves something about having someone get paid $20/hour just to make sure you don’t eat a crayon or shit your pants on a daily basis.

right now i’m imagining what the buyer for tj maxx is going to say in a future conversation with the sanuk liquidator.  “yes sir i understand that is a fabulous deal but we just can’t take an order that large.  uh huh.  uh huh.  yes i understand they retailed fairly well in japan, but i can’t take more than i’m already taking.”

you know your products a piece of shit when it’s “retailing fairly well in japan.”

(shoe submission by laura gonzales)

so i opened up a free people catalog the other day and was astounded when i laid eyes on the travesty depicted above, which was pictured not just once, not twice but thrice.  a sandperson grandmother might wear these.  maybe.  if she wasn’t planning on leaving her temporary nomadic hut for the day.  if she did she’d be the laughing stock of tatooine! 

this boot needs to go to hell.  now whether that be in a handbasket, riding on the mighty wing of hades, or burdened with unforgivable sins – i don’t care.  but it needs to go.  the world is pointing to the door.  or maybe instead of summoning beezlebub we save ourselves the hassle and just ship all the stock to tatooine.  because i think becoming the house shoe of an elderly female tuskan raider actually qualifies as a form of hell.  i could be wrong but…

(shoe submission by paris hughes and betholomew)

A creeping sobriety just woke you from your pot induced nap, but oh it’s late, and those heavy curtains you installed to keep even the sunniest of days from interrupting your 5 hour Nazi Zombie sessions are really making it dark. Where the hell is your bong? Well, inside your stoner brain you know that your bong is within reaching distance of your couch, after all, you haven’t left your couch (or your bong) for at least three days.  But, you also know that within that same four feet is a halo of half-eaten Chipotle burritos, beer caps, Guitar Hero controllers, a dis-assembled airsoft gun, and your laptop. One misstep and that Chipotle burrito is going to be soaked in bong water, and your breakfast is ruined.  So, how do you navigate such a treacherous minefield of sharp bits of pot head refuse in complete darkness? Alas! You fell asleep wearing your Illum sandals from Teva!  These babies come equipped with an LED flashlight so even the most lethargic and ketamine addled college hopeful can navigate the most dank and cluttered of living rooms. So sit-up stoner buddy! This is your time to shine!

(blog by dan bee)

voodoo doll shoes.  whoever you choose for the shoe doll to represent can be put through various forms of torture through simple witchcraft.  such as an annoying coworker.  you could stand across the room from said evil coworker, all the while stomping your feet like a two year old having a fit.  soon they will have to take their lunch early to grab some ibuprofen.  fool!

you could also totally go to the movies and turn the shoes around so they couldn’t see the screen.  wouldn’t that be maddening.  stupid proxy.  whatever that proxy did to you i bet it was so not worth it now.  i bet that proxy is like, “so regretting duping whoever into THAT.  i won’t be deluding anyone else any time soon.”  of course, i suppose someone who’s not physically present at a theatre wouldn’t be bothered by not being able to see the screen.  hmm….  well, i’m sure it translates into something truly awful in voodoo for your hated coworker.  like having an unreachable itch with no long objects around, forcing one to blackbear it on a weight bearing beam in the center of the office.

this bahia python print ankle cuff sandal by cocobelle has, but at the same time has not, knocked my socks off.  i’m not sure milla jojovich could have pulled these off in the fifth element, so i’m not sure how some regular jo blo is supposed to.  bruce willis might have had to multi pass on dat shit. 

many department stores have taken to the trend of offering exclusive and affordable fashion lines within their stores from couture designers.  examples of this are isaac mizrahi for target and simply vera kohl’s designed by vera wang herself.  the trend has been a big hit, giving smaller budgets a chance to wear bigger names.  well.  marc jacobs has turned the tables on this idea is offering a line of flip flops inspired by the same type of low cost stores.  he said he’s always admired what stores like wal-mart, payless, and kmart have done for fashion and hopes he has done them justice with this new line, dedicated to them.  other designers hopefully, do not follow suit.