you know your man still thinks of you as a sexual entity when he buys you these sexy grandpa slippers with attached broom and dustpan.  because there’s nothing sexier than looking like a hunchback with flat arches shuffling across the floor that gave you wrinkles and grey hair to buy.  not to mention the incessant banging noise that the brush makes as you go underneath the pantry doors and along the walls.  it’s enough to drive a man crazy.

this shoe super bugs.  but i have to say, if portland were a shoe it would most definitely be a wooden rollerskate clog unnecessarily adorned with feathers and a brocade border.  this shoe is probably skating down alberta street right now on the feet of a man wearing large black jnco-esque jeans with flames patched onto them and a lot of un-used suspenders hanging down around the legs.  he’s definitely shirtless.  and his girlfriend is probably some filthy whore who thinks knee high striped socks go with everything.  dumb bitch.  probly works at the yarn barn.  god.  p.s. they don’t.

also this shoe looks like boober.

since the real roger vivier passed away in 1998, allow me to remind his successor bruno frisoni at the house of roger vivier, that design when applied to clothing, is generally thought of as the fusion of aesthetics and function.  this is a shoe.  what are shoes for?

1.  walking

2.  keeping the soles of our feet covered so that they remain soft

3.  allowing us to laugh at feral animals with thick unsightly footpads and say, “nice footpad asshole.  hey how about i rip your hide off your ass and use it as shuz?”

and everyone knows that.  it’s not up for debate.  so what are your shuz for frisoni?  what is their function?  tripping?  looking tarded?  ROGER VIVIER INVENTED THE STILETTO YOU ASSHOLE.  AND HERE YOU ARE MAKING BLEACHED SUEDE TOUCH THE FILTHY GROUND.  NEWTON’S FOURTH LAW.  SUEDE AND GROUND CANNOT COME IN CONSTANT CONTACT MOVING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS WITHOUT MANGLING SUEDE.  cc-v(Su+Gr) + (a)^2=MANGLED SUEDE.  WATCH IT FRISONI.

(blog dedicated to kayla blaspheme espy bee)

these shoes are made of a meltdown of blue, white, and green strips of leather, laser-compressed into a striated amalgam that looks, as balenciaga designer nicolas ghesquière joked, “like play-doh.”  the shoes appear in the 2010 spring/summer line, though i haven’t seen them actually available for sale anywhere yet.  wonder why.  my number one guess is because children don’t have mastercards.  my number two guess is because not everybody can sell the shit they create when they’re totally high.  some are lucky.  or maybe ghesquière got hungry one night in the studio.  it was just him, these shoes and a play doh spaghetti factory.  you do the math.

the above video states that it used to be a fashion faux pas to wear socks with sandals but that now it’s a bold statement.  hmmm.  i’m not sure what bold statement these are making but i’m pretty sure it involves something about someone getting paid $20/hour just to make sure you don’t eat a crayon or shit your pants on a daily basis.

right now i’m imagining what the buyer for tj maxx is going to say in a future conversation with the sanuk liquidator.  “yes sir i understand that is a fabulous deal but we just can’t take an order that large.  uh huh.  uh huh.  yes i understand they retailed fairly well in japan, but i can’t take more than i’m already taking.”

you know your products a piece of shit when it’s “retailing fairly well in japan.”

(shoe submission by laura gonzales)

but not the hilarity you’re probably thinking of.  not the hilarious and often heartwarming hollywood moment when all the shoes at that midwestern shoe high school transcend superficiality and say something like, “hey we’re all different, but we’re still shoes right?  we’re in this life together!”

no.

i’m talking about the hilarity that comes as gorgeous louboutin stilettos and fantastically popular yves st laurent heels pull this shoe into the janitor’s closet, beat the living hell of it, and shove its bloody meshy mess into a locker with “loser” spray painted on the outside of it.  the shoe then transfers to a low income payless-type high school for its own safety and is no longer allowed on the west side of town.  funny, right?

(shoe submission by katy tahirih linhart)

top of the platform you’re good to go for another 3,000 miles.

love,
crystal bee.

Regretsy pick: Shoes of the Damned

Regretsy, for those of you aren’t addicted, is a site dedicated to finding the funny, ugly and disgusting highlights of crafty marketplace Etsy.

Not for the faint hearted, I’ve seen everything on here from a childbirth doll to poncho especially created for a chick (of the feathered variety).

These personalised converse shoes on the right are pretty grotesque though. They’re from AyinX’s store, who’s clearly a Twilight fan. It even promises ‘freebies’, which I’d hope to be a bag to go over your head and hide the shame..

You can buy these from the Etsy shop for $125.

Posted by Emma Cossey on December 24, 2009 10:00 AM

one of my favorite things about a boot is how a continuous and solid piece of leather spans from my toes to the bottom of my kneecap.  *stares blankly for inordinately long period of time*  this is the febe boot by dirty laundry.  so.  *shorter pause*  what’s the story here?  are these guys trying to capture but not release as many fruit flies as possible?  perhaps they are panning for gold.  maybe they’re just trying to get a polka dot tan.  taking a stab at sock companies?  fat sweaty customers?  impromptu disco ball just add lightbulb and spin?  vinyl colander?  frosting cap for your leg hairs?

(since you probs won’t be able to look at this photo very long, i invite you to scroll down until it’s off the screen and just read the description of it i have written below)

if this picture could speak a thousand words, some of them would probably be “pierre and i had a few too many bottles of wine”, “i’m pretty sure we got a homeless guy to be our foot model” and “it seemed like a good idea at the time”.

the hairy legs, protruding veins, heinous toenails and forefoot mole are enough to make this the most disgusting foot of all time.  but to top it off, the bastard doesn’t even have the time or courtesy to remove the disgusting blister bandage from his ankle for the photo shoot and/or the photographer doesn’t have the time to find a homeless guy who wears more comfortable shoes.  honestly,  i feel as though i’ve just been flashed.  and that cork thong strap must really be doin’ it ergonomics-wise as it is has actually shoved the second toe onto the third.

yes.  i realize this isn’t meant to be a real shoe.  and yes, i realize some shoeless drunk asshole thinks this is funny or worse, art.  but it’s no excuse for poor workmanship.  but i’ll tell you what.  it’s a fine example of barfmanship.  so fine it’ll probably win a “barfie” for best barf at the 2010 barfie awards.