facebook continues to imitate life.  why am i starting to feel like R.J. MacReady in John Carpenter’s The Thing?  oh wait i know.  because i’m starting to think a parasitic alien life form named facebook attacked and then assimilated all my friends and turned them into asinine streams of 11 word sentences that only LOOK like my friends.  i’m not sure who’s real anymore.  anyone who has been alone with facebook for long periods of time is now suspect of being a mere imitation of themselves.  and who is that?  everyone.

let’s get a few things straight.

facebook is not human interaction.  facebook is not shoes. it can’t hold you or comfort you like people or shoes can.  it’s life reduced in a digital frying to pan to an archaic message board full of grunts and caveman fists beating on chests, potentially being controlled by an invasive life form that wants to turn you into super gross jelly and then reform you into a blander more boring same version of yourself that talks much and does little.  and it also might severe your head from your body, then subsequently grow spider legs and periscope eyes out of it.  both seem equally unappealing and deserving of kurt russell’s torch gun.

(shoe submission by christopher mcconnell)

(blog inspired by rc)

BLEEDING WITH SARCASM –> somewhere between x-men fanatics and furries is apparently a customer base large enough to support this.  <– BLEEDING WITH SARCASM

for some reason when i look at these shoes i imagine the person wearing them is an emotionally stunted 40 year old man in an old ratty Garfield t-shirt too short for his chili belly and pajama pants who constantly yells at his wife to bring him cookies and beer.  then when his wife inevitably one day suggests he get his own beer and cookie, the man just absolutely fucking loses it.

this sb skunk dunk comes with a leafy green exterior, stash pocket and the image of a heavy lidded skunk printed on the sole.  it is being released by nike in a few days on 4-20.  real clever nike.

as if people who love to, as i say, “do the weed” aren’t annoying enough, now they get to have their own theme shoe.  now let me tell you what really bothers me.  i imagine that young immature pot smoking teenagers would really love to get their hands on this shoe.  their maturity levels are low and weed is still new and exciting for them.  but those assholes don’t have any money and their mothers sure as hell won’t be purchasing them.

this leaves with me with only one other, very disturbing conclusion.  grown men are buying these.  they’re like $300 or something i’m sure.  all i’m saying is that’s a lot of domino delivery tips to be blowin’ on a marijuana themed shoe.  especially when you already spend your entire paycheck on christmas in vietnam or ganja gonna miss me or clifford the big red dog or whatever else you kids call doobies these days.

(shoe submission by benjamin diggles)

bugarri shoes have created an entire line of men and women’s shoes that have hidden lifted insoles so the person wearing them can seem up to four inches taller than they really are.  these short people, otherwise known as liars, walk amongst us as though they were one to four inches taller than they really are.  we’ve no way to identify them other than their smug faces and their freakishly short arms.  these bugarri customers are just out there walking around.  asking out women who are potentially, entire inches taller than them.  and why are women wearing these?  ever heard of high heels?  plus they make your calves look better and your butt protrude more.  what?  they do.

hey lord farquaads why don’t you just show off your heels like a man?

it’s really important to not let anyone know you’re wearing rainboots.  it’s also important that they have laces.  because without the need for laces all of the parts of the boot might actually be physically attached to each other and therefore not able to let rain in.  and if you’re not letting any rain in, people might start to suspect something.  wait, what?

(shoe submission by laura gonzales)

a guy walks down the street in a long sleeved henley with a button up hawaiian shirt over it.  his hands are tucked into the pockets of the raggiest jeans ever that are so out of date (levi’s pipeleg silvertabs or something) they must be his older brother’s.  he throws me a nod and tells me, “nice outfit” like it means something special coming from him.  i smile weakly and then he says something stupid like, “rad”.

(shoe submission by liz scheer)

glue is not a license.  period.  i just can’t emphasize that enough anymore.  i’m not sure why kids have access to glue at all.  because when a kid makes a stupid painting, it’s hard enough to smile and say, “hey that looks great.”  but when they bring you a bunch of bullshit sparkles, cotton balls, and pipecleaners over-glued to a piece of paper and all you can think about is the state of your dining room table, well you might as well have a mouth full of cancer sores.  which is basically how i felt when i saw this creation above.  much like a new mother or young school teacher might feel - exhausted, frustrated and simply no longer able to smile.  ugly shoes almost bested me today.  but then i thought about some tool smelling like bird shit when he got caught in the rain while wearing these, and that, well that made me smile.

this looks like the foot of a dinosaur.  a big clunky shapeless dinosaur foot.  no it’s actually more clunky and shapeless than that.  it looks more like the foot of a snowdinosaur that a young dinosaur would make.  basically this shoe resembles nothing.  maybe some rotten mango fruit satan would eat.  maybe some egg carton foam stapled to a black wall.

you have probs heard of these shoes made by vibram five fingers.  they’re like gloves for your feet.  and honestly, they’re great if you want to look like a fucking gorilla with a tie on everywhere you go.  if you want to carry around a clipboard that just has a picture of a banana clipped to it.  and i thought the rainbow socks with the toes were bad.  i thought they were enough.  i thought I’D HAD ENOUGH.  but vibram five fingers has to put up this website with these god damn testimonials and then i have to see photos like the one below.

jesus christ.  the woman in the photo says, “There’s nothing better than putting on my Vibram FiveFingers and going out for a run across the prairie with my dog, Boulder.  Prairie running has the added benefits of distinct seasons, seeing wildflowers bloom, and the occasional critter caught off guard.”  i bet she also went to university of montana bozeman and enjoys REI gear, following the speed limit, kayaking and vagina.  and if i might ask, what was the critter caught off guard by?  was it your dog or was it the giant ape wearing a collar, necktie and digital wristwatch barrelling across the prairie?  honestly, i’d feel a little caught off guard if i ran into someone randomly wearing these on the street.  i’d feel like i caught them in their embarrassing “at home clothes”.  i mean, would a shirt and these shoes even be enough to grant you service in a fast food restaurant?  you wouldn’t be served at my fast food restaurant called DignityOnalds where we serve up pride in a hurry.  try next door at ShameBurger.

(shoe submission by erin wilson)

barack obama has been declared mvp of 2008 by air jordans.  apparently obama has won another award he has yet to prove he is worthy for.  if he can or will dunk has yet to be seen.  maybe air jordans meant most valuable president.  sorry nicholas sarkozy.  p.s. it was carla that lost it for you.

p.s.  who drew that obama?  go back to art school.  it looks like the winning mural of a 4th grade art contest that got displayed on the 4th floor of the local hospital.

(inspiration from roommates adam bee and dan bee)