these shoes look like they were constructed out of a bunch of old wood clocks made of glazed tree cross sections with “time to fish” engraved in the center.  in other words, i don’t like them.  i’d rather have big mouth billy the singing bass go off every time i’m trying to orgasm than wear these shoes.  yep.

before i blog about this spring 2010 balmain sandal please excuse me as i grab an acid wash levi’s jacket with faux sheepskin collar.  *puts on imaginary whack-jack*  ah, that’s better.

this is just a repackaged teva isn’t it balmain?  whatever it is, it makes me want to rent Sister Act and listen to Nirvana on cassette.  so 1992.  that also happens to be the year i was forcibly baptized into the mormon religion against my little eight year old will.  so you can imagine i’m not too fond of anything that comes out of 1992 due to this.  in fact i just found a mousehole in my house the other day.  i think i’ll write 1992 around the outside of it and any time anything comes out of it i’ll just stomp the shit out of it.  i’ll kill it dead.

ooooookay.  so apparently christian louboutin has abandoned his roots and a very successful history of super hot stiletto makery to roll this shit off the presses for fall 2010.

the shoes are so boring they almost don’t exist.  it’s like i’m looking at nothing.

i mean, a shoe in leopard print that has elastic AND a mere two inch heel is complete nonsense.  it’s a man in a dress.  the shoe should by all reason just explode.

cacharel has created these, if i may be so uncreative, super stupid boots for spring 2010.  a boot one thinks they need but cannot afford, and once they can afford it, they no longer need.  probably due to improved taste and increased options.  though they would look great filled with flowers in babs’s guest room.  right next to the decorative bird cage filled with o’er flowing faux-foliage and the stuffed-bunny-in-a-dress that has been sitting on the same can of corn since 1985.  props the bunny up real nice.

nina ricci’s entire spring 2010 line of shoes, seem to have contracted some sort of doily-esque flesh eating disease.  this makes the women who wear them look like they have whatever robin williams had in that movie jack.  30 year old women trapped in the wardrobe of someone, at least four times their age.  i guess it might be hot in some sort of large white panties sort of way.  and also some sort of spaghetti spilled down front of floral dress paired with black brandless sneakers waiting for the bus stop sort of way.  *many short bursts of loud negative buzzer sound*  or maybe one of those ladies who wears victorian period theatre costume rentals like they’re regular clothes.  those bitches gotta stop.  they’re always walking around downtown covered in a mountain of lace never looking ahead always looking around to see who is watching them because they are living in a self starred fantasy world.  at least spaghetti lady keeps her eyes straight ahead and only talks to herself.

you know what bothers me the most?  it’s the contrast piping.  as though it makes a god damn difference.  because once someone sees the potato shape and dull shine of the jersey-like material they’re not going to forgive the wearer for sporting a little bit of color contrast.

“hey, at least my shoes have got a little bit of style.”  <—wishful thinking by old people

and that seam-ingly added style - it’s about as effective as a fig leaf is over some nads.  resign all gender identification if you must people, but don’t pay taryn rose $350 to help you.

hole.  lee.  shit.  there is no fucking excuse for this shit.  there are people in the world who don’t know how to dress themselves.  creations like this are cruel.  this is a credit card offer in the mail.  this is a pyramid scheme.  this has no purpose in the world other than to con the retarded out of their money.  what a bogus look.  you should be ashamed of yourself shoes.  you’re going to make a fool out of someone.  a god damn fool.  someone will hang their head low for you.  someone will breathe into their hands and shed a single tear when they realize what  you’ve done to them.  i hope you rot.  here is a small sketch of what you deserve.  that’s right.  a kick in hell.

(shoe submission by beth ramsey anderson)

i’m totally hardcore, it’s just sometimes i need to run down the street to grab some cottage cheese and pineapple from zupan’s.  i rock out like the best of them for sure but…  after a hard night of partying i like to pop a couple doan’s back relief pills and shuffle around the house in a pair of pajama pants and my keds.  and even if i didn’t.  it’s not like i can play guitar hero 5 in platform docs anymore.

“crystal, why can’t i wear these?  not even to work?  you know, with my banana slacks?” 

“no.” 

“why not?” 

“because 1,000 babies will die.” 

“what?  but i like the toe.  it looks professional.” 

“do you like the blade heel?”

“the what?  is that what it’s called?  well i suppose i-”

“shut the FUCK up.  SHUT!  the FUCK!  UP!  you’re taking a shit on personal pride and creativity when you wear these.  and you’re supporting shoe companies with no souls.  wear these shoes and i will come after you like i am the highlander.  i will rip that heel off your foot and cut off your head with it.”

for those of you who thought the christian louboutin for phillip lim line for Fall 2009 meant a meeting of great fashion minded minds, think again.  the shoe pictured above, resembling a slide of irregular cells taken from a pap smear, clearly shows that louboutin is angry with phillip lim. 

louboutin was quoted as saying, “i was at my grandma’s house and was just noticing how much fake old gold jewelry she had laying around that she never wears and how gaudily stuffed her furniture was.  i couldn’t help but think of phillip.”  during the runway show, louboutin was spotted taking a shot every time the shoes came down the aisle as well as repeatedly jabbing fellow designers with his elbow as if to say, “fuck you phillip lim.  do your own work next time.”