facebook continues to imitate life.  why am i starting to feel like R.J. MacReady in John Carpenter’s The Thing?  oh wait i know.  because i’m starting to think a parasitic alien life form named facebook attacked and then assimilated all my friends and turned them into asinine streams of 11 word sentences that only LOOK like my friends.  i’m not sure who’s real anymore.  anyone who has been alone with facebook for long periods of time is now suspect of being a mere imitation of themselves.  and who is that?  everyone.

let’s get a few things straight.

facebook is not human interaction.  facebook is not shoes. it can’t hold you or comfort you like people or shoes can.  it’s life reduced in a digital frying to pan to an archaic message board full of grunts and caveman fists beating on chests, potentially being controlled by an invasive life form that wants to turn you into super gross jelly and then reform you into a blander more boring same version of yourself that talks much and does little.  and it also might severe your head from your body, then subsequently grow spider legs and periscope eyes out of it.  both seem equally unappealing and deserving of kurt russell’s torch gun.

(shoe submission by christopher mcconnell)

(blog inspired by rc)

since the real roger vivier passed away in 1998, allow me to remind his successor bruno frisoni at the house of roger vivier, that design when applied to clothing, is generally thought of as the fusion of aesthetics and function.  this is a shoe.  what are shoes for?

1.  walking

2.  keeping the soles of our feet covered so that they remain soft

3.  allowing us to laugh at feral animals with thick unsightly footpads and say, “nice footpad asshole.  hey how about i rip your hide off your ass and use it as shuz?”

and everyone knows that.  it’s not up for debate.  so what are your shuz for frisoni?  what is their function?  tripping?  looking tarded?  ROGER VIVIER INVENTED THE STILETTO YOU ASSHOLE.  AND HERE YOU ARE MAKING BLEACHED SUEDE TOUCH THE FILTHY GROUND.  NEWTON’S FOURTH LAW.  SUEDE AND GROUND CANNOT COME IN CONSTANT CONTACT MOVING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS WITHOUT MANGLING SUEDE.  cc-v(Su+Gr) + (a)^2=MANGLED SUEDE.  WATCH IT FRISONI.

(blog dedicated to kayla blaspheme espy bee)

bugarri shoes have created an entire line of men and women’s shoes that have hidden lifted insoles so the person wearing them can seem up to four inches taller than they really are.  these short people, otherwise known as liars, walk amongst us as though they were one to four inches taller than they really are.  we’ve no way to identify them other than their smug faces and their freakishly short arms.  these bugarri customers are just out there walking around.  asking out women who are potentially, entire inches taller than them.  and why are women wearing these?  ever heard of high heels?  plus they make your calves look better and your butt protrude more.  what?  they do.

hey lord farquaads why don’t you just show off your heels like a man?

it has recently come to my attention, that there is rumor floating around my family.  a rumor of the most untrue sort!  the rumor being that i bought my father *coughs, looks downward* i don’t know how to say this but, well, they’re saying i bought my father crocs.  and i don’t know who started it and i’m not going to point any fingers.  *points a finger* but the kind of person it would take *starts to cry* you know what?  forget it i’m not doing this.  i love my father.  even if he isn’t well.

and i hope you’re all very happy you now know about my sordid past.  yes, crystal bee’s father wears crocs!  it’s true!  go ahead and revel in it!  did i buy them for him?  NO.  does he wear them?  DAILY.  do you think i’m happy about it?  in fact, do you rumor spreaders have any idea HOW MANY TIMES i’ve called my mother trying to get those crocs away from him?  to get him into a print of sweatpant that is not camouflage?  *voice turns cold*  and the answer always returns the same. “well crystal gosh i don’t know.”  *shakes head*

merry christmas.  NOT.