the anti-semitic jack sparrow wannabe known as John Galliano decided to pinocchio a corsage into a shoe by giving it a sole…

that Galliano sure does love to shoe pinocchio.  he does not however, love Jiminy Cricket, or any other form a conscience may take….zing!

these look like something a brazilian elf would wear as he delivers innumerable ball in a cup games to poor children at brazilian christmas.  they have that, right?  elves and christmas and shit?  well, christmas for sure.  i don’t know about elves.  not sure elves have spread that far south.  great now i’m blogging about elves like they’re a disease or killer bees.  *long exhale*  i actually just googled “brazilian christmas elf”.  google didn’t come up with anything.  that’s how hard brazil DOESN’T have elves.  i’m surprised some retarded dj hasn’t scooped that little gem up already for his stage name.  should though.

(shoe submitted by keri chang)

i have ended all online applications other than my blog as of a couple weeks ago.  which means i no longer have a facebook, twitter or myspace page.  and bills shoes booze no longer has a facebook page either.  and in case you were wondering, i love it!  i’m an addict and in the end i just had to go cold turkey.

and don’t worry, getting a hold of me and sending me ugly shoe submissions is still super easy.  just email me at crystalbee@billsshoesbooze.com

you know your man still thinks of you as a sexual entity when he buys you these sexy grandpa slippers with attached broom and dustpan.  because there’s nothing sexier than looking like a hunchback with flat arches shuffling across the floor that gave you wrinkles and grey hair to buy.  not to mention the incessant banging noise that the brush makes as you go underneath the pantry doors and along the walls.  it’s enough to drive a man crazy.

since the real roger vivier passed away in 1998, allow me to remind his successor bruno frisoni at the house of roger vivier, that design when applied to clothing, is generally thought of as the fusion of aesthetics and function.  this is a shoe.  what are shoes for?

1.  walking

2.  keeping the soles of our feet covered so that they remain soft

3.  allowing us to laugh at feral animals with thick unsightly footpads and say, “nice footpad asshole.  hey how about i rip your hide off your ass and use it as shuz?”

and everyone knows that.  it’s not up for debate.  so what are your shuz for frisoni?  what is their function?  tripping?  looking tarded?  ROGER VIVIER INVENTED THE STILETTO YOU ASSHOLE.  AND HERE YOU ARE MAKING BLEACHED SUEDE TOUCH THE FILTHY GROUND.  NEWTON’S FOURTH LAW.  SUEDE AND GROUND CANNOT COME IN CONSTANT CONTACT MOVING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS WITHOUT MANGLING SUEDE.  cc-v(Su+Gr) + (a)^2=MANGLED SUEDE.  WATCH IT FRISONI.

(blog dedicated to kayla blaspheme espy bee)

as if women don’t talk enough.

now their very shoes need to become fragments of words and sentences thrown together in a jumble that holds as much value and meaning as their seemingly incessant chitter chatter.  IE NONE.  plus what’s up with the super groovy font?  is this my 8th grade binder?  am i right fellas?  come on am i right or am i right?

velcro miu miu?  really?  these shoes look like spies that are wearing all of their disguises at once.  and they look a fool doing it.  a fool i tell you!

god i just can’t get over that velcro.  did miuccia prada just shrug her shoulders and go, “well, it’s not prada now is it?”  or maybe, “hey listen guys i really need to get to the grocery store and buy a cartload of salami and prosciutto to power my italian-ness, could you guys just *wave the hands* velcro those or something?  great thanks.”

i like it how the designer, sarajevo belma arnautovic, specifies that these “dreamland inspired lolice shoes” were made to carry candy.  only candy.  as though no other objects could be carried by the shoes.  so don’t you dare put baseball cards, moonpies or penny whistles in these shoes.  they’re made for FUCKING candy ya hear?

these shoes are made of a meltdown of blue, white, and green strips of leather, laser-compressed into a striated amalgam that looks, as balenciaga designer nicolas ghesquière joked, “like play-doh.”  the shoes appear in the 2010 spring/summer line, though i haven’t seen them actually available for sale anywhere yet.  wonder why.  my number one guess is because children don’t have mastercards.  my number two guess is because not everybody can sell the shit they create when they’re totally high.  some are lucky.

the above video states that it used to be a fashion faux pas to wear socks with sandals but that now it’s a bold statement.  hmmm.  i’m not sure what bold statement these are making but i’m pretty sure it involves something about having someone get paid $20/hour just to make sure you don’t eat a crayon or shit your pants on a daily basis.

right now i’m imagining what the buyer for tj maxx is going to say in a future conversation with the sanuk liquidator.  “yes sir i understand that is a fabulous deal but we just can’t take an order that large.  uh huh.  uh huh.  yes i understand they retailed fairly well in japan, but i can’t take more than i’m already taking.”

you know your products a piece of shit when it’s “retailing fairly well in japan.”

(shoe submission by laura gonzales)