ooooookay.  so apparently christian louboutin has abandoned his roots and a very successful history of super hot stiletto makery to roll this shit off the presses for fall 2010.

the shoes are so boring they almost don’t exist.  it’s like i’m looking at nothing.

i mean, a shoe in leopard print that has elastic AND a mere two inch heel is complete nonsense.  it’s a man in a dress.  the shoe should by all reason just explode.

“so there i was.  thinking i had really spruced up my l.e.i.s with these flip flops and a shapeless top that ties in the back.  then i read this article, you know, the one about the ruffles,” whispers cristina easton.  “the embarrassment just poured over me like cold water.”  easton gives this confession after reading a new study which states tacky shoe-impersonating flip flops like the ones pictured above by jessica simpson, “do not constitute real footwear and have no place in this world.”

“i thought i could wear it.  why would they sell it at macy’s if i can’t wear it?  i’m so confused.”  easton says she feels ashamed due to a newfound and horrific realization that her entire closet is full of cheaply adorned flip flops that have made her look about as dressed up as a shirtless cavemen with a loose tie on for quite sometime.  “i’m not sure i’ve ever been dressed up in my entire life,” easton chokes out.

“well,” says the study.

“crystal, why can’t i wear these?  not even to work?  you know, with my banana slacks?” 

“no.” 

“why not?” 

“because 1,000 babies will die.” 

“what?  but i like the toe.  it looks professional.” 

“do you like the blade heel?”

“the what?  is that what it’s called?  well i suppose i-”

“shut the FUCK up.  SHUT!  the FUCK!  UP!  you’re taking a shit on personal pride and creativity when you wear these.  and you’re supporting shoe companies with no souls.  wear these shoes and i will come after you like i am the highlander.  i will rip that heel off your foot and cut off your head with it.”