BLEEDING WITH SARCASM –> somewhere between x-men fanatics and furries is apparently a customer base large enough to support this.  <– BLEEDING WITH SARCASM

for some reason when i look at these shoes i imagine the person wearing them is an emotionally stunted 40 year old man in an old ratty Garfield t-shirt too short for his chili belly and pajama pants who constantly yells at his wife to bring him cookies and beer.  then when his wife inevitably one day suggests he get his own beer and cookie, the man just absolutely fucking loses it.

if this shoe were a man it would be a gay man that hosts a pornographic series entitled, “what is that?” in which straight guys are tricked into having homosexual sex.  his catchphrase would be, “what’d you think it was?”

(shoe submission by _gfunk)

so this christian louboutin over the knee boot for fall 2010 is made of black suede and fox fur pompoms.  it looks like a game of pin the tail on the donkey.  or i suppose it would be pin the tail on the fox.  i imagine this leaves foxes pretty upset as their tails were already firmly pinned.  let’s not forget about the cows.  pretty sure cows would rather have their skin on their asses rather than stretched over a shoe last with fox tails pinned all over it so a rich lonely housewife can get an afternoon of attention by turning herself into a genu-wine assclown.  she looks ridiculous.  the cow has an uncovered ass.  and there’s at least eight foxes out there without tails.  you can’t just take nature, put it in a salad spinner and then call it $5,000 boots.  put it back where you found it louboutin.

this sb skunk dunk comes with a leafy green exterior, stash pocket and the image of a heavy lidded skunk printed on the sole.  it is being released by nike in a few days on 4-20.  real clever nike.

as if people who love to, as i say, “do the weed” aren’t annoying enough, now they get to have their own theme shoe.  now let me tell you what really bothers me.  i imagine that young immature pot smoking teenagers would really love to get their hands on this shoe.  their maturity levels are low and weed is still new and exciting for them.  but those assholes don’t have any money and their mothers sure as hell won’t be purchasing them.

this leaves with me with only one other, very disturbing conclusion.  grown men are buying these.  they’re like $300 or something i’m sure.  all i’m saying is that’s a lot of domino delivery tips to be blowin’ on a marijuana themed shoe.  especially when you already spend your entire paycheck on christmas in vietnam or ganja gonna miss me or clifford the big red dog or whatever else you kids call doobies these days.

(shoe submission by benjamin diggles)

i’m not sure how many people in the world are willing to wear a $100 piece of undercooked salmon on their leg but my guess is the number closely resembles zero.  fish isn’t hot.  people dont’ wear fish.  sure they’ll wear a tiger print or a thing covered with snakeskin.  they’ll even wear eel or muskrat.  but still.  people don’t line out the door for perch.  no one has tuna pants.

alexander wang makes a shoe for the indecisive animal print slut.  you wanna know what hide sluts should wear?  the hide of pigs.  pigskins.  pigs actually like having sex.  but instead somewhere along the line skanks decided they would wear the prints of tough chuck norris-like animals who only procreate when necessary.  but everyone knows cheetahs and leopards and other badass animals procreate to an optimal population level fit for the land, competition and resources available to the pack or herd.  those animals would never be sluts.  being a slut can get you killed.

what the fuck this?  a japanese commercial for juice?  i am so angry right now.  sometimes i wish spiderman’s uncle ben could sit down and have a serious chat with everyone who knows how to photoshop about the responsibilities that come with that kind of knowledge, with those kind of skills.  but i bet instead of listening to uncle ben, they would probably just photoshop him into a dangerous alley with a carjacking thug in it.  then they’d write “uncle ben p0wn3d!!!!1″ over the altered photo and spread it all over the internet.

not the first mouse themed ballerina flat from marc jacobs, but perhaps (we can only hope), the last.  i hope the woman who buys these doesn’t expect any sympathy for her red throbbing toes when she comes home after a long day full of people violently stomping on her feet.  assault?  hardly.  you put a mouse in my face i’m going to stomp on it.  actually, i’d probably bring it home and ask my boyfriend if we could keep it.  he would say no, either because of the high risk of contracting the bubonic plague, the fact that we can’t really afford shoes by marc jacobs or because there is an angry shoeless woman standing behind me. 

(or perhaps we could just give these shoes to a compassionate but realistic mother, who has a long history of trying to kill annoying pets somewhat humanely, whether that be with a tailpipe, a bowl of water, or a freezer)

so the artist iris schieferstein is apparently trying to express that taxidermy, and the violence that goes with it, is ironic because the animal lives on forever through its death/shortened life???  whatever it is, you’ve really got to check this out.  the bitch is obviously crazy.  i am imagining she gets super fucked up on drugs every night and when she eventually comes to in her studio every morning, is pleased to find dead goats and pigs everywhere, though she’s no idea where they’ve come from.  back to the chopping block she goes, making little frankensteins.  except hers don’t come to life.  this blog wasn’t very funny.

(shoe submission by kyrsten crowe)

glue is not a license.  period.  i just can’t emphasize that enough anymore.  i’m not sure why kids have access to glue at all.  because when a kid makes a stupid painting, it’s hard enough to smile and say, “hey that looks great.”  but when they bring you a bunch of bullshit sparkles, cotton balls, and pipecleaners over-glued to a piece of paper and all you can think about is the state of your dining room table, well you might as well have a mouth full of cancer sores.  which is basically how i felt when i saw this creation above.  much like a new mother or young school teacher might feel - exhausted, frustrated and simply no longer able to smile.  ugly shoes almost bested me today.  but then i thought about some tool smelling like bird shit when he got caught in the rain while wearing these, and that, well that made me smile.