before i blog about this spring 2010 balmain sandal please excuse me as i grab an acid wash levi’s jacket with faux sheepskin collar.  *puts on imaginary whack-jack*  ah, that’s better.

this is just a repackaged teva isn’t it balmain?  whatever it is, it makes me want to rent Sister Act and listen to Nirvana on cassette.  so 1992.  that also happens to be the year i was forcibly baptized into the mormon religion against my little eight year old will.  so you can imagine i’m not too fond of anything that comes out of 1992 due to this.  in fact i just found a mousehole in my house the other day.  i think i’ll write 1992 around the outside of it and any time anything comes out of it i’ll just stomp the shit out of it.  i’ll kill it dead.

i’m in a particularly good mood today.  so instead of posting totally ugly shoes and clowning them, i am posting the music video “shoes” by kelly and a few pairs of shoes that make me want to sing along.  although these shoes are all far more than 300 fucking dollars.  want.  le sigh.

burberry prorsum.  fall 2010.

cynthia rowley.  fall 2010.

balenciaga.  (see they’re not all bad) spring 2010.

christian louboutin.  spring 2009.

almost there sweetheart.  and by sweetheart of course i mean dirty lazy bitch.  i say, if you’re not going to muster up the ingenuity to invent a quicker and easier shoe fastener then you best fall in line and get to bucklin’.  you’re not above it.  no one is.

although i do enjoy the imagery of 22 leathery dog tails slapping this girl every time she takes a corner.  ouch, she’ll say.

finally a solution for those who want to hide the ankles that low fat milk has cursed them with.  waa waaaaa waaaaaaaaaa.

[john, paul and jesus are hanging out in the kitchen of their humble abode]

[john]  hey jesus how are things going with adina, that cute little water bearer?

[jesus]  oh her?  i haven’t talked to her in a while.  i never really talked to her actually.

[john]  you should.  she just broke up with that soldier.  you can’t be lonely forever jay.

[jesus]  it’s just seems like none of them are at a high enough spiritual level for me.  that’s all.

[peter]   [yells from other room]  well we’re not all perfect like you jeez.  she’s nice enough.

[jesus]  well i don’t just want nice enough.

[paul]  hey i think we all  know where i stand.

[jesus]  yeah yeah….

[paul]  as i told the corinthians!  “i wish that all were as i myself am … to remain unmarried as i am … those who marry do well, those who refrain from marriage do better”

[john]  jesus is so damn lonely i don’t think he could do any worse [tags up with paul]

[jesus]  shut the fuck up you guys.

[peter enters the room]

[peter]  ball and cup just doesn’t pass the time like it used to.  what are you assholes all fighting about?  is perfect jesus getting picked on again?

[jesus]  these assholes couldn’t bother me if they tried.

[peter starts using the ball and cup as a paddleball close enough to jesus's face that he is hitting him in the face with it]

[peter]  what about this asshole?

[jesus]  [teeth clenched]  i would appreciate it if you would stop that.

[peter]  i was just hoping you could suffer a few more moments for my benefit that’s all.  i’m really enjoying this.  you will won’t you?  since you’re perfect and all?

[jesus]  fine.

[jesus finally unable to stand the continuing head pummel, bites peter on the arm.  peter screams with pain, but maniacally laughing at the same time as he has broken the son of god.  john and paul join in the laughter.]

[john]  how’s that water bearer starting to look right now?  i bet she hasn’t  bitten anyone on the arm.

mc escher decides to make a shoe.  which way does it go?  wary be the shoe salesperson trying to put this back in the box.  it would be like, straight to the 70s with that person’s mind.  if you cross your eyes and put your face very close to the computer screen while looking at the picture below, and then back up from the screen very slowly while focusing in and out of the picture, you will actually be able to see how unbelievably retarded this shoe is.

balenciaga, who has slowly been profiting from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder since 1937, now openly refuses to acknowledge the validity of the disease.  they are claiming their designers are cognizant adults able to make their own decisions in a reasonable amount of time, even if those decisions take months and include combining snowboard parts and more colors than are in a stoplight.

“you see what you call ADHD, is like a fine wine to us,” states Nicolas Ghesquiere, head of design at balenciaga.  “we don’t mind that it takes a little longer to put together the most nonsensical shoes of all time.  one shoe start to finish could take months, sometimes years due to the severe level of creativity or as you call it, ADHD, that our designers harbor within them.  but we think the absolute insanity of the final product is totally worth it.  and i think our label reflects that.  you won’t find one piece in any of our collections that has a lick of thought to it.  that’s a balenciaga guarantee.”

“i’m just not sure those shoes are going to change the fact that gerald doesn’t ever want to have children josephine.  i’m just not sure those shoes are the answer.  or any sort of medicine for that matter.”

“he’ll come around.”

“no.  he won’t.  and i think that’s why you’re having anxiety about this marriage.”

“what anxiety?”

“josephine.  the shoes.”

“oh.  oh you think i have cold feet?  no no no no i just really enjoy the designs of elsa schiaparelli.”

“so you’re wearing the designs of a prominent fashion designer from the world war one and two era to keep your feet warm?  shouldn’t those be in a musuem somewhere?”

“i’m fine.”

say hello to the last pair of shoes you’ll ever have to buy that little brat.  i’d like to get a tub of popcorn and a two way mirror and watch that little ingrate just try and get out of this foot straight jacket.  you won’t even have to replace them for a bigger size as he gets older, because if you bind them tight enough the kid’s feet will just stop growing.  made in china.

this shoe doesn’t care what you think of it.  so beware before you sass this shoe about its three tongues because imagine the raspberry it could blow on you.  you’d smell like spit afterwards that’s for sure.  but if you insist on saying something smart-alecky to it, the silver lining is that it can’t actually talk back.  i mean it’s hard enough for people with one oversized tongue to talk.  imagine three.  maybe it could still communicate to the world by blinking that one eyelet it’s got on the side.  but that would take so long.  i probably would have chest bumped my friends and walked away before it could wink out a good retort.