snarky portland blogger clowns world. mostly shoes.

and so bridges the gap between me making fun of not just shoes, but all clothing and perhaps one day, the world.  this zip up hoodie has the markings of a leopard, the shrunken monkey paws of a witch doctor, and the dignity of a lawyer chasing an ambulance.  i want it.  i want it for the neverending jokes that could come from it.

1.  pleading with random passerbys, “please, before he eats the rest of me.”

2.  “now i know how jonah feels.”  then when people argue that jonah was swallowed by a whale, begin to explain to them that they are both mammals, then wave them off and walk away saying, “you wouldn’t understand.”

3.  “foot race anyone?  didn’t think so.”

4.  “my eyes are up here.”

5.  “god it feels like there’s something stuck in my throat.”  then cough with shrunken monkey paw to stuffed snout.

6.  “moo.”

7.  a one hour, one leopard show delivered in the style of a 1990s comedian.  “it’s tough being a leopard, you know?”

8.  eating in public voraciously and loudly.

9.  talking in two voices.  tough leopard voice and scared whispering human voice.

10.  mouth birth.

11.  “please stop looking at my tiny hands.  and could you please bring that drink to my lips?”

12.  just standing next to trees with a blank face, arms limply to sides.