snarky los angeles blogger clowns world. mostly shoes.

the secret’s out. 

a new product on the market has mountain and rock climbers alike clammering to get their hands on it.  no longer must humans use expensive REI equipment to try and compete with mother nature’s best climbers.  at least not now that Hooves, Inc. has finally cracked the genetic sequence that makes mountain goats so sure footed.  this new information has been incorporated into what you may have already guessed, footgear for recreational climbers.  the shoes pictured above, resemble actual hooves.

dr. karl lee, formerly associated with oregon health and science university, now heads Hooves, Inc. in an attempt to “make some real money.”  dr. lee’s reports from the testing facilities have reported such miraculous feets as being able to stand at over a 45 degree angle off a high precipice with no safety equipment.  those wearing the gear “felt no fear for their lives and remained expressionless, almost as though they were a large dumb animal with one claim to fame.”

john a. wright, an avid rock climber, had this to say, “there’s absolutely no difference anymore between scaling a sheer wall and say, taking a morning stroll.”

dr. lee adds, “john’s absolutely right.  mountain goats have been hoarding this secret forever.  now when they majestically pose all day on the edge of a mountain we can yawn, outstretch our arms and say to ourselves, ‘what an absolute motherfucking snore.’  and that’s really what this whole project has been about.”  dr. lee then took a break from the interview to walk on the walls and filing cabinets of his office while laughing to himself and shaking two clenched fists in the air.

“i mean the worst that can come of this is that some cowboy poets have to rewrite a few lines about how great mountain goats are.  oh and the matrix will never be rented again.”  the production of women’s sizes 6-10 and men’s sizes 8-12 is already underway.  the product is currently projected to be between $400-$600 and hit stores such as REI just before Christmas.

“and don’t forget!  this puts us a step ahead of the the griffins as well,” dr. lee says as he struggles to pin a live bird to an operating table labeled “necessary”.

(photo submission by benjamin gonzales)