snarky los angeles blogger clowns world. mostly shoes.

now is the time to pull out that quarter full bottle of peppermint schnapps in the back of the cupcoard that no one wants, mix it with orange juice and drink it.  and while i drink this drink in a dimly lit and messy living room staring at the wall, i will imagine my future.  which will largely consist of me wandering the streets pulling the raggy edges of an old coat closer together.  occasionally stopping to look in the windows of shoe shops that are still in business as i feel the bitter sting of a full-priced wind on my metaphorically slapped cheek.

due to this, i will most likely become a shoe predator.  probably next tuesday-ish.  i will crave beautiful shoes to the point that i will attack women in the park, rip their shoes off their feet, hiss at them and run away.  i will become violent and hateful towards ugly and practical shoes.  i may even one day come to my senses in a densely wooded forest covered in cold crystal hyde sweat crouching over a vivisected croc or merrell.  eventually i will be caught, brought to justice, and taken in by my family (who now looks upon me as a monster) who will force me to seek help.  and there i will find myself staring into the soul-less lens of an A&E camera and saying, “hi my name’s crystal bee.  c-r-y-s-t-a-l-b-e-e.  i’m addicted to shoes.”