Archive for September, 2009
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“so there i was. thinking i had really spruced up my l.e.i.s with these flip flops and a shapeless top that ties in the back. then i read this article, you know, the one about the ruffles,” whispers cristina easton. “the embarrassment just poured over me like cold water.” easton gives this confession after reading a new study [ READ MORE ]
“crystal, why can’t i wear these? not even to work? you know, with my banana slacks?” “no.” “why not?” “because 1,000 babies will die.” “what? but i like the toe. it looks professional.” “do you like the blade heel?” “the what? is that what it’s called? well i suppose i-” “shut the FUCK up. SHUT! the FUCK! UP! you’re taking a shit on personal [ READ MORE ]
the secret’s out. a new product on the market has mountain and rock climbers alike clammering to get their hands on it. no longer must humans use expensive REI equipment to try and compete with mother nature’s best climbers. at least not now that Hooves, Inc. has finally cracked the genetic sequence that makes mountain goats [ READ MORE ]
this shoe doesn’t care what you think of it. so beware before you sass this shoe about its three tongues because imagine the raspberry it could blow on you. you’d smell like spit afterwards that’s for sure. but if you insist on saying something smart-alecky to it, the silver lining is that it can’t actually talk back. i [ READ MORE ]
mrs. statler and mrs. waldorf talk about the vacation they just shared together. mrs. statler: that was the worst vacation i’ve ever had! mrs. waldorf: it was terrible! mrs. statler: horrendous!… mrs. waldorf: well it wasn’t that bad. mrs. statler: oh, yeah? mrs. waldorf: well, there were parts of it i liked! mrs. statler: well, i liked a lot of it. mrs. waldorf: yeah, it [ READ MORE ]
a famous ballet dancer decided to go to a grocery store in an attempt to be more real. “see, i’m just like a real person,” she said as she gingerly helped a few fellow customers get a few things off the top shelf, bought a resuable grocery bag, and threw up in the public bathroom. guess [ READ MORE ]
young japanese girls everywhere (mostly japan though) are hoping that there is enough money left in their school clothes budget for a pair of these. mostly so that when boys point at them in awe of their video game shoes they can cover their mouths and have a very good, very secret and very asian laugh. [ READ MORE ]
“you know what? i’m tall,” says Patricia Herman. Patricia is 5 foot and 11 inches tall. “so when i saw these giraffe print rainboots at nordstroms i thought to myself, those are totally me. giraffes are tall. and i want everyone to know that i know i’m tall, and that i’m okay with it. i don’t [ READ MORE ]