ugly shoes should ne'er go unclowned

this one might be a little easy.  tho worth posting for the absolutely insane boots. 

….guess!

spring and summer 2010 is upon us.  and what has chanel brought us – more fall pumps.  like they always do.  yeah we’ll throw some confetti and blow a kazoo.  but we all know what’s coming.  a lot of ornate hardware and way too many fasteners.  every fucking year chanel.  in the photo above, it looks like a tiny parasitic laura bush is attached to the model’s foot.  oh, and i heard if you spend over $10,000 at the chanel store this year they’ll put a complimentary chastity belt on your eldest daughter’s hoo ha that only comes off with the swipe of a black credit card and a good family name.

what the fuck this?  a japanese commercial for juice?  i am so angry right now.  sometimes i wish spiderman’s uncle ben could sit down and have a serious chat with everyone who knows how to photoshop about the responsibilities that come with that kind of knowledge, with those kind of skills.  but i bet instead of listening to uncle ben, they would probably just photoshop him into a dangerous alley with a carjacking thug in it.  then they’d write “uncle ben p0wn3d!!!!1″ over the altered photo and spread it all over the internet.

so. 

this site was started so that children with down syndrome could hold a doll in their hand that looked like them.  maybe not the worst idea in the world.  but when you mispell the condition (down symdrome friends) right on the main page of the website (probably too much work to redo the wordart on that fabulous graphic) and offer the dolls in both open and closed mouth versions, i start to wonder if maybe this product is a little misguided.  maybe it’s the creepy grandma’s house way they have the dolls displayed, the half-assed attempts to describe each doll’s personality, or the fact that when browsing the dolls the top of the screen says “let’s see what we have here”. 

benny the anatomical teddy is also offered on the site, and appears to have nothing anatomically correct about him.  the description states he is stuffed with polyester and is apparently able to explain digestive, urinary, respiratory, and skeletal procedures to children.  the site then lists a bunch of organs.  the site does not explicitly say if the organs are in the bear or not.  i think the bitch is just listing organs.  as far as i can tell he just comes with half a pair of scrubs.  (bears don’t need pants)  the site promises to expand with a “chemo friend” apparently coming soon.  chemo friend is simply a doll with no hair.  *shudders with offense*

not the first mouse themed ballerina flat from marc jacobs, but perhaps (we can only hope), the last.  i hope the woman who buys these doesn’t expect any sympathy for her red throbbing toes when she comes home after a long day full of people violently stomping on her feet.  assault?  hardly.  you put a mouse in my face i’m going to stomp on it.  actually, i’d probably bring it home and ask my boyfriend if we could keep it.  he would say no, either because of the high risk of contracting the bubonic plague, the fact that we can’t really afford shoes by marc jacobs or because there is an angry shoeless woman standing behind me. 

(or perhaps we could just give these shoes to a compassionate but realistic mother, who has a long history of trying to kill annoying pets somewhat humanely, whether that be with a tailpipe, a bowl of water, or a freezer)